When Edward meets Edward
by The Purple Bunny
Summary: Edward Elric reads Twilight, Edward Cullen comes to life! What happens when the two meet? Total Chaos... LONG HIATUS
1. They meet, part 1

Author's Note: Horray! I gave Edward(Cullen)something he lacks, a _personality_(OOC but nonetheless he still has one!) Enjoy my pretties…you most likely won't. ;]

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"Hey look," Alphonse pulled out a book from the shelf of a local library they have in Central. "Here's something interesting."

"Is the book about alchemy?" asked his older yet shorter brother, Edward Elric.

"No…" Alphonse turned the book to the back, "It's about vampires and love," Edward scoffed,

"Al, I don't have time to read teen romance smut, we need books on alchemy."

"But maybe you would like to take a break, and read something else?" Alphonse handed his brother the novel. "Just for fun?" Edward stood there, thinking about it for a minute, when finally deciding that maybe it would be nice to take a break from alchemy and read a nice fantasy novel…boy was he wrong.

"Al, I hate you," Edward grumbled, staring out the window of the train they were riding on. "I had only time to check out one more book, ONE…and I wasted it, on _that_!" He pointed his angry shaking finger at Twilight, the novel that Alphonse convinced Edward to borrow in the first place.

"I could've gotten a alchemy book, to help me improve! BUT NO!"

"I just thought you would like to read it- one of the main character's name happens to be Edward, just like you!"

"Hmph! Edward _Cullen._" Ed scoffed again, "Please, it was nothing but 'Edward this!' 'Edward that!' 'Oh my god, Edward Cullen is sooo hot! He sparkles, mmm!'" Alphonse did his best to ignore his brother's freighting imitation. "It went on and on, on how much Bella loved Edward, we get it, he's _beautiful_!" The short blonde took one look at Twilight, which was sitting beside him, and turned away in disgust. "I mean a few things were good, I like that James character and Alice too, but it also lacked a bit. Bella was whiny, though she hated her dad, I can relate to that, but I have a good reason! She also wouldn't shut up about Edward's 'beauty' 'Edward's beautiful! The Cullens are beautiful!'" He put on his best female voice, which wasn't that good, made Al snicker.

"Oh brother, well maybe he was just really good-looking in the book," said Al,

"Well nothing says 'beautiful' than a guy in covered in sparkles," Ed joked, and then chuckled.

--Meanwhile, somewhere in Risenbool, a trash can began to talk. "GAHH! Where am I!? AH!" The trash can toppled over to the ground, where a 108 year old teen rolled out of it. "Trash can? How the hell did I get in there?!" exclaimed Edward Cullen, very confused and unaware of his surroundings. "…Ah, who cares, as long as I'm not in that damn trashcan anymore, HORRAY!" He laughed happily and began to dance moves that were similar to Michael Jackson's. "Heehee~!" He grabbed his crotch MJ style and began moonwalk to who knows where.

-- "Home Sweet Home." Ed sighed, grinning, "Let's go see Granny Pinako and Winry, I'm _starving_."

Alphonse sighed, and chuckled to himself. But as the two made their way out of the train station, they noticed a weird looking man, moon walking towards them. Of course this certain man didn't see them because when you moonwalk, you do it backwards. So the dancing man ended up colliding with Ed, who really wasn't paying attention where he was going either.

The two fell onto the ground, and on each other.

"Oops, sorry about that -" The man cut off as soon as he realized he had fallen on top of a short, yet attractive, blonde boy.

"Oww…" said the blonde.

"Sorry," said the man, putting out his hand to help the boy up, "By the way, my name is Edward, what's your's?"

"…Edward." answered the blonde boy, getting up from the ground.

"No, I'm Edward, who are you?"

"No, no. My name's Edward too."

"Ohh," The tall Edward smiled, "Who is this?" He gestured over to Alphonse,

"My brother, Alphonse."

"Why is he in armor, is he trying to protect himself from something?"

"Uhh…" The two brothers looked at each other, shrugged, and turned back to the other Edward. "Sure?"

"Ah yes, I completely believe you," The taller Edward smiled, which faded away quickly, "Where are you two going?"

"I don't think that's any of your business…" said the short Edward, "Come on, Al." The two brothers made their way out, leaving the taller Edward standing there.

"They don't trust me…but…but…I _sparkle."_ The sun shone down on him, dazzling a few people who were around. "Maybe he didn't notice…I couldn't read his mind either…" His eyes grew wide, he couldn't the other Edward's mind, like he couldn't read Bella's, and he was cute. "Could it be…TRUE LOVE!?" He grinned and was giddy as a horny school girl. "I must follow him, around where ever he is, that's how I won Bella's heart after all!~" He ran after where the brothers went, he sure wished he had his Volvo, maybe then he can drive around and stalking- I mean harmlessly following the other Edward could be easy.

-- "Hey brother?" Alphonse said, as the two were almost making their way to Winry's home(They could just barely up in front of them)

"Yeah,""What did you think about that guy, the one who ran into you."

"Hm, you mean the other Edward?"

"Yeah…there was something about him that was…strange,"

"Well of course he was strange, he wouldn't stop staring at me!" Ed shivered,

"Yeah, but it's not that, it was something about his look,"

"His…look?"

"Yeah…his skin, when I looked at it in a certain light, it would…sparkle."

"Sparkle!?"

"Yeah!"

"Hm…" Edward tapped his fingers on his chin, "How come that sounds familiar…?" He couldn't quite put his finger on it…

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Author's Note: Shesh…I'll admit this chapter was sooo long, that I had to cut it into two parts. It was like five pages long on my Microsoft Work Word Processor, which is around….3,000-4,000 words? Yeah. So I cut it up and here you go! Btw, no. I don't like Twilight…but it's fun making parodies out of it anyway ;)


	2. They meet, part 2

Author's Note: *gasp* EdxEd????? Ewwww…HAHAHA. Well I couldn't resist I'm not into yaoi really, but it's STILL funny ^_^. Enjoy my pretties…

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From afar, Edward Cullen hid in nearby bushes, watching the other Edward and his brother walk towards a big house. "Must be where they live?" He whispered to himself, watching the blonde boy greet a tall blonde girl and a small old lady.

"Whaaa?" Cullen questioned, "A blonde girl, gross, I'm more of a brunette type of guy…wait…" He took one quick look at Elric's hair. "Ok, uh…I'm into brunette _girls_, but blonde guys are a-ok!" He continued watching Ed and his brother, as the two went inside house.

Edward ran up to the big white house only to be greeted my barking. "What the crap!?- " Edward spotted a big black dog, "Shut up!" He hissed, "You are going to ruin this!" The poor dog whimpered and growled at him. Edward tried his best to ignore him, and hoping that he will get distracted by his sparkles(I.e. DAZZLE HIM!!)

He sneaked around the back, and found the window to the kitchen. He looked in to see the blonde girl making dinner, the short Edward was in there too. Good…now the tall, shiny Edward could relax and watch him for a while…

"It's…rather interesting," Winry said, looking into the pages of Twilight, "Uh…so vampires can sparkle? I thought they feared the sun! What are the doing in school?"

"Beats me…" Ed tasted some of the food that was cooking on the stove, "Most of the time it talks about Bella's infatuation and obsession for Edward."

"It's funny how he has the same name as you," Winry giggled, "Are you sure _you _aren't a sparkling vampire?"

Ed almost chocked the food he was tasting, "That's not funny," He growled,

-- "I wonder how peaceful he looks when he's asleep," Edward wondered, "Probably a lot like my Bella~!" Then he thought about how much he loved Bella, but then thought about how much this other Edward give him these weird feelings whenever he looked at his golden eyes(like his) and golden hair!…He continued watching Ed having a conversation with the blonde girl.

--"Oh wow…she almost got ran over by a van," said Winry, turning a page, "I was kinda praying it would hit her, haha."

"Same here," The two agreed and laughed,

-- "I wonder what they are laughing about," said Edward, "or what they are reading…" He couldn't really quite tell, he could only notice the pages of the book being read.

-- "Gosh, this book is horrible," Winry shut the novel, for she could not take anymore. "For one thing he _stalks_ her, and the whiny main character doesn't have a problem with that," She turned off the stove, and checked the food. "I'd be creep out if a guy stalked me…hit 'em my wrench I would!" Just when Winry said that they heard _bang _on the wall.

"Oww…" the bang came near the kitchen's window. Ed could see a slight head pop out.

"Who's there!" He yelled. Ed ran towards the back door, dashing outside. He could barely see the person who was there, for he was now halfway across the grassy fields.

"You're not getting away that easily!" Ed called out to the guy, and started chase after him. But Edward was so quick, he was now hiding behind a tree, watching the other Ed run around. He spend the rest of the day looking at him…and he spend the rest of the night watching him sleep too.

"Wasn't easy sneaking in this house, stupid dog wouldn't shut up!" Edward whispered to himself, while he watched the other Edward sleep. "Awww…he's adorable, I think I'm in love with him." He continued watching, not even blinking! He loved him that much, but ohh…what would Bella think if she found out that Eddiekins was stalking other people behind her back? Who cares.

--Ed yawned, the sleep slowly began to wear off, and his eyes pried open to the sound of…munching. What the hell? He sat up from his bed, and turned to a older boy, who was sitting on the ground, _watching him_, while eating popcorn.

"What the fuck!?" Ed yelled, he was about to shout and demand who the boy was, but he looked so…familiar.

"You wouldn't want to be near me…" The boy said, dropping his popcorn, as soon he realized he didn't eat human food. His voice was deep and seducing. "I have the skin…of a _killer_."

"Eh, what?" Ed raised a brow at the confusing man, standing right in front of him.

"If you know what's good for you, you wouldn't come near me."

"You are not making any sense!"

"Look!" The tall Edward grabbed the short Edward by his shoulders, bringing him closer. "I know you are addicted to me! I know you can resist my beauty, but you must…I don't want to hurt you, I'm a _monster._"

"…where have I heard that before…?" Ed could've sworn he heard that from somewhere, he could've sworn he recognizes these rather cheesy lines from somewhere…

"What did you say your name was again?" Ed asked,

"Edward," The taller man replied.

So…his name was Edward. He had strange hard, sparkling skin, golden eyes, he was in the house, at night, watching Ed sleep. He had followed Ed too, he was sure of it, and now he was calling himself a monster…just like…

"Edward Cullen!?"

"Hey, how do you know my last name?" The taller Edward smiled,

"…you aren't serious?" said Ed, his eyes WIDE with surprise. "You can't be here!? YOU AREN'T REAL!!" That last yell alarmed his brother, who was right outside the room.

"Brother….what's wrong?" He asked, from outside the door, but Ed didn't answer.

"Stay away from me!" Edward yelled, "I'm a monster!" He did a overdramatic pose, then hugged Ed. "I will only kill you! But…I do wonder…how your blood smells, I bet it smells sweet, like Bella's, only better." Ed shivered, he was pretty creep out by what Edward had said. "I rather you not try to smell my blood…" He said,

"Oh, I won't, I don't want to hurt you, you should stay away…"

"It's kind of hard to when you won't LET ME GO!" Edward hugged Ed tighter,

"I…don't know why, but I can't…Edward Elric…I believe that I…" He pulled away slightly, his gold eyes were filled with tiny bit of sadness. "I really want to be your's, gender and age does not matter, but that damn Bella…she won't let me…I'll leave her for you."

"Seriously man, you are scaring the crap out of me!- "

"Bella is NOTHING! She is weak and I'll admit…" Edward finally let go of the smaller Ed, sitting down on his bed. "I…always hated the fact that she was so _weak._" For a minute, Edward looked like he was suffering, for a minute, his face actually had…_feeling _in it. "Day and day, I had to save her, oh how it would tire me…but I loved her, yet at the same time, I hated her. This feeling I kept inside me all along, never told anyone, I even denied it." Edward sighed, "All the time, Bella would just whine and whine, I always get tired of it, I try my best to keep her safe but she doesn't appreciate it! She doesn't understand, she will never understand!" He quickly bolted up from the bed so fast, Ed could've sworn he had super fast reflexes…oh wait…he did.

"It's all because of that damn author, Stephenie Meyer! She made us be together, made it to the point where we were SOULMATES! But why, oh why did Bella have to be my soul mate…why not…you?" He smiled, pulling Ed close to him again. "You're the only one who understands me."

"…But I only met you today!"

"But you read my book! So you should know how horrible my life is!" Edward picked up the copy of Twilight, from where Ed's coat laid on the ground. "Surely you must feel bad for me?"

"Yeah, I pity you."

"Exactly!"

"I pity myself even more, having my name be used for a one dimensional character like you."

Edward stood there quietly, before sighing, smiling, and nodding. "You are a good guy, Ed. I believe you are the only one to free me from my misery."

"Can we please cut the cheesy lines off?"

"Sure." Edward leaned over, about to kiss Ed!- when Al entered the room.

"Oh no! My brother's getting raped!" Alphonse screamed, running and tackling the sparkling vampire onto the ground. "Leave my brother alone!" He yelled, he punched Edward a couple of times on his sparkly yet dazzling jaw, and his nose. "Pervert!"

"Ah, get- AHH!!" Edward tried his best to block his hits, when he forgot that he had super strength! He could just lift Al off him. But before Edward could do anything, Al swiftly stood up. "You." He said, "It's the other Edward from the train station,"

"Yeah…" The vampire stood up from the ground,

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see your brother," Edward gestured over the blonde boy, at his right, who was just eyeing the two of them. "We were having a great conversation and we were about to share in…something- " He coughed out a word that Al couldn't quite understand, " -Before we were rudely interrupted." Edward glared at Alphonse.

"You were trying to rape him, weren't you!?" Edward just rose a eyebrow, and scoffed,

"No I wasn't. Besides, it would only count as rape if he didn't want to have sex with me back."

"But I actually I didn't want to- "

"Stay out of this, Ed!"

"I'm not even gay!" Then it was like someone punched Edward right in the stomach.

"…You don't love me, Ed?"

"I barely _know you_. We just met hours ago!" Edward's expression darkened.

"Fine, if you don't love me, then…I guess I have nothing to live for!" Then for out of nowhere, Edward pulled out a wooden stake from his pocket! "Good bye, Ed!"

"…I thought you couldn't die from wooden stakes."

"Huh? Oh that's right," Edward dropped the stake and pulled out some holy water,

"Holy water can't hurt you either," Edward dropped the bottle of holy water and pulled out- "Neither can garlic,"

"SHIT! Damn you, Stephenie Meyer! Why couldn't you given me some of the actual vampire weaknesses so I _could_ kill myself!" So like a poor emo, he fell on his knees and began sobbing.

The two brothers stood there, staring at the sobbing, beautiful vampire. It was one of those awkward moments. While the tall Edward cried, the short one found this as a opportunity to explain things to Al, who must have been confused out of his mind. "Al, remember when you mentioned his skin?"

"…yeah."

"Remember when I told you about the character in the book I was reading, his skin sparkles too!"

"…I remember you told me that,"

"The main character's name is Edward, this guy's name is Edward, his skin sparkles…" Ed left off there, hoping that Al would puzzle the pieces together to come to the point, he was making.

"Is he trying to impersonate the Ed in the book!?" Al squealed, Ed sighed.

"No, no…Al…he _is _the Ed from the book." At that point, the other Edward overheard them, he stopped sobbing, and stood up from the ground.

"That's right Alphonse, I'm Edward Cullen, from Twilight."

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Author's Note: Ok see this chapter? This chapter was meant to be mashed together with the first chapter, thus having a long chapter. This whole chapter was meant to be chapter one and as you can see it's long, longer than I normally write…so yeah, I _had_ to cut it up into two parts…and it now looks like we are going to have another chapter. :/


	3. A bunch of stuff happens

Author's Note: Wow...thanks for the reviews guys! ^_^

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Edward stood there, trying his best to look cool, and make this whole scene a dramatic like Degrassi Go-There moment.

Alphonse just stood there, staring at him. All the cheesy, ridiculous poses Edward was doing was making it real hard for him to believe him.

"Um…what are you doing?"

"Trying to look cool, it's important, after all I'm beautiful." Edward ran his hand over his hair, trying real hard to show off his handsomeness.

"Uhh…" Al just glared at him. It was one of those awkward moments…again. "How the heck did you come to life anyway?" He asked.

"I have no idea, I awoke inside a trash can somewhere, and I was here." Edward sat right back down on the bed, where Ed sat too. "I don't even remember falling asleep or anything, I just ended up here." He grabbed Twilight, which had been on the ground, and looked down on the cover. "I always wanted to eat that apple, did you know that? Anyway, I have no idea how I came to life from this book. I swear a ton of fangirls will probably wet themselves if they knew I was finally real." He quickly became scared at the thought of a thousand rabids chasing him, tear off his clothes and raping him. "Ooohh…I _really_ don't want them to find out about me, they'll do bad things to me!" He wrapped his arms around the smaller Ed, hoping for some comfort, but knowing Ed, that was not going to happen.

"I wonder if my family and Bella knows I'm here…" Edward said, right after Ed had pushed him off him, causing the taller boy to fall of the bed. "She's probably real worried about me."

.

-- Meanwhile, at the Cullen residence. "AHHH! Noooooo! My Edward is missing, misssiiinnngg!" The whiny brunette cried and cried, till Alice couldn't take it anymore. Alice slapped her a couple of times, hoping that would calm her down. But she had no luck, Bella's eyes were red and puffy from the crying, snot ran down her nose, just as tears run down her cheeks. "I want Edward!" She yelled,

"Oh Jeez…" Finally fed up with it all, Alice grabbed a lamp on a small table next to her, and she smashed it against Bella's head. It worked! Bella fell unconsciously on the floor. Alice finally had peace, so she decided to go shopping or something.

.

-- "…Meh, who's cares anyway." Edward smiled, and was happy again. He got up from the floor, and walked to the window. He stared at the stars above the sky, Ed and Al wondered why Winry and her grandmother had failed to realize the noises coming from their room.

"Please don't tell me you are going to come up with more cheesy lines," said Ed, seeing how the other Edward was staring at the stars as if he was about to explain life and such, with the use of metaphors, like in those movies.

"No, no. I just thought I saw a UFO, but I didn't…my bad." Edward turned his gaze to the brothers and smiled. "It's late, you two should probably catch up on your sleep, don't worry about me, I don't sleep. I'll just sit and watch Ed sleep."

"I don't sleep either…" said Al,

"That's great, we'll both watch Ed sleep together!"

"Eh…"

"NO!" Ed yelled, "You stay outside, with Al, there is NO WAY you are watching me sleep, you creepy bastard." The short blonde one pushed the two of them outside, and slammed the door shut, real load.

"Ed, SHUT UP!" Winry called from her room, oh yeah, NOW she's realizes the noises…

.

-- "I heard sobbing," said Envy,

"Sobbing?" questioned Lust. The two homunculi were at their home with father and such. "Where?"

"At father's room, the sobbing was coming from inside." The two homunculi decided it was best to check it out even if Dante were to find about it and kill them for busting in her room, it was ok, but she'll never find out.

The two slowly opened the door, the sobbing poured out to the empty hallways. "Could it be a new homunculi? We could have another Envy," Lust teased, Envy rolled his eyes. It was like this all the time at their home. When they weren't out causing havoc(Not Jean Havoc, mind you)They would stay home and act like a huge family in a episode of the Real World. But now was not one of those times for they were curious of the mysterious crying coming from their master's room.

"Let's check it out," said Envy, but you know as they say, Curiosity kills the cat.

"Hello, new Envy?" Lust called in the dark room.

"W-who's there?" asked the voice, it stumbling on it's sentences.

"Now now, calm down," Lust walked towards the direction of the voice, "Your brothers and sisters will take care of you now…" Envy waited for Lust to find whoever was crying, out in the hall.

"Aww…look, our new youngest homunculi is _precious_." Lust came out, her arms around a small girl, guiding her out to the hallway. The girl was shaking, her brown hair was messy, her big brown eyes were red from crying. "Welcome, newcomer." said Envy,

"N-newcomer?" The girl hiccupped,

"Yes, you are our new homunculi sister."

"What!? B-but I don't know where I am! I just want my Edward!!"

.

--Morning finally came. Ed awoke, yawning and stretching his arms. He opened his eyes to the sound of the happy birds chirping outside. But as he did, he found Edward, standing beside his bed.

"What the crap!" Ed yelled, falling off his bed in surprise. "Were you there the whole time?""Only for the last ten minutes of your slumber, I was outside with Al all night, playing Go Fish." After that sentence, Edward just stared at Ed for a bit.

"Uhh…ok, well, I'm going to go now…" Ed climbed off his bed, putting on his red coat, but it was all very awkward because Edward wouldn't stop watching him. But finally, he walked out his room, where his brother Al stood there waiting for him.

"Why did you let him come into my room like that?" Ed hissed at him, hoping his best that Edward didn't hear.

"Sorry brother, he caught me off guard and ran into the room."

"Well he's really creepy…How am I going to explain to everyone how he got here?"

"Hey!" Edward popped up from behind Ed, making him jump. "I can hear someone's thoughts from up here…it's a girl, she keeps thinking about something called 'Automail' and how she loves her wrench so much."

"Winry!"

"Yeah…the thoughts are getting closer, I think she's coming."

The vampire was right, the three could notice Winry just barely coming up the top of the stairs, she's rubbing her eyes.

"Dammit, quick Al! Hide Edward!" Al hesitated for a bit, then grabbed the tall vampire and stuffed him inside his armor. "Don't move so much, you'll erase my blood seal!"

"Ok!"

"Ed, what was up with all the noise all night, you slamming the door like that…" She _still_ failed to notice all the other noise before it!? Ehh…

"Oh…that? Nahh you were probably dreaming." Ed smiled nervously,

"I don't know, it sure did sound like you were slamming the door pretty loud,"

"Nope! You were dreaming," Then out of nowhere, Al's metal head flew off! Edward's head popped out of it,

"Geez, I hate it in there, so cramped…" Winry screamed as the vampire fell out of Al.

"Who…who the hell is he!?" She yelled,

"I'm Edward Cullen, Ed and Al's new friend." He smiled and waved at her eagerly. Winry's eyes widen when she heard the name.

"Edward Cullen!? As in the stupid sparkle-vampire from that book?"

"Twilight, yes. I'm from that book."

"…" Winry was still, she looked as if she were frozen with shock, she didn't even blink! She looked like she was literally frozen, like some fucking dummy or something.

"I think I dazzled her too much," Ed waved his hand in front of Winry's face, but she didn't even flinch.

"Aww, is she broken? I guess this is my fault…isn't it?" Edward pouted, a sexy pout, but Ed wasn't attracted to it.

"Yeah, I guess it IS your fault." Ed sighed and he grabbed Winry by her shoulders, shaking her a bit, trying to get her out of her weird trance thing. When that didn't work, he slapped her a couple of times- wait no! I actually like Winry, hehe. When that didn't work, Ed tried snapping his fingers in her face, and lightly tapping her cheeks with his palm. Winry remained the same…

"This is going to take a while…"

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Author's Note: and it ends there because I already written 3 pages of this stuff, and I don't want to add anymore because I'm sure you, the reader, doesn't want to read anymore, because usually long chapters look boring, at least to me they do. Don't judge me or call me stupid for that! Pleaasseee!


	4. Envy 2?

Author's Note: Aww you guys are sweet ^_^ Glad you all liked it, also for a response to a very funny review:

Kaito Aozora: Haha, you don't have to worry about EdxEdward being two-sided...you'll see soon. Meyerpires DO fail, for god sake they SPARKLE . lol. Thanks for the review ^_^

Sparkler: You're welcome!

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Jacob the pedowolf-Oh I'm sorry, Jacob the werewolf stood there at La Push, wondering where the hell Bella and Edward had gone off to.(Not really Edward, he could care less about him, but Bella.)The two of them had been missing for some time…

"Oh no! Don't tell me they ran off and got eloped! I want Bella for me!!" He cried like a little bitch, and ran to his emo corner.

.

-- "Family, welcome our newest member!" Lust and Envy stood in front of the other five sins, Sloth, Greed, Wrath, Gluttony, and Pride.

"Meet…Envy Part Two!" The two pushed Bella in front of them, so that she was facing all the scary homunculi. She wasn't in her normal clothing anymore either, she was wearing a long black dress, similar to Lust's, only her dress had straps on. She also had the homunculi tattoo thing(I forgot what it was called dammit!)painted on her left cheek.

"She looks like a wimp," said Greed, watching the shaking teen with a bored look on his face. Bella was shaking in her new high-heel boots that matched her outfit(really, she looked like a smaller version of Lust, only with smaller boobs and not as sexy)

"Envy? She doesn't look envious," said Sloth, yawning, cause her name is Sloth and she's suppose to be tired, duh.

"I-I…I'm scared" Bella squeaked.

"If Annoying and Wimpy were deadly sins, she'd be a shoe in!" laughed Greed, "Envy Part Two, hahaha!"

"M-my name is NOT Envy, my name is _Bella_, and I want my Edward!!" She sobbed, her eyes filling up with tears. The whole room gasped when they heard her.

"Edward!? You know Edward!?" Envy shouted, and he grabbed Bella by her shoulders and started shaking her, "What do you know!?"

"H-h-h-h-he's my boyfriend!!" Bella stuttered, as Envy continued to shake her furiously.

"Wow…" Envy said to himself, still shaking the girl, "Who knew Ed had such an a irritating girlfriend," and he proceeded with the shaking.

.

--It was the ultimate epic battle, Naruto rushed in speed towards Sasuke, with his Rasengan, and Sasuke rushed towards him with the Chidori, it was the end, THIS WAS IT- oops, wrong story.

"Ok, if _this_ doesn't work, I don't know what will…" Ed was holding a bucket of ice cold water, ready to pour it all over Winry. She was still in her weird trance, and they were all standing outside, as it was 10am and the sun was shining brightly. It shone down on Edward's skin, making it glitter, like one of those really clean glasses they have in those cooking shows, seriously, how do they keep those things so clean!

Anyway, his skin was distracting, so distracting that when there was this guy riding on his bike, the dazzlingness sparkled right in his eyes, blinding him. So he ended up not knowing where he was riding off to, so he hit a tree, knocking his head against the side of it. His skull cracked open, with his blood and brains pouring out…but no one knew who the hell he was, so they didn't care, and just left him there.

"Wake up!" Al shouted, Ed then splashed all the water at the blonde girl. Her whole hair was soaked, along with her clothing, slowly, Winry came out of her frozen trance; she blinked a couple of times.

"Ed…?" She said, "What is going on?…Why am I wet!?"

"That's not important right now," said Ed, "I'm just glad you aren't frozen stiff anymore,"

"Oh…yeah," Winry grabbed her damp hair, and squeezed the water out of it, "This reminds me of a strange dream I had…you see, I was coming upstairs to see you, because you had kept me up all night by slamming your door, when I saw- "

"Hey! She's back, that's great. Remember me, blonde one? I'm Edward Cullen," He smiled, and waved at her eagerly.

"Eh!? AHH!" Winry jumped, and fall back on her back, "It's him! The stupid vampire from the book!"

"Well no DUH, I just said I was," Edward pouted like a kid who's upset because he didn't get his candy.

"But I thought it was all a dream, you can't be real, you are from a fantasy book!"

"Well Wendy, that's what I'm trying to figure out…" Edward sighed, looking down on the ground,

"My name is Winry, and what exactly are you talking about?" So after Winry was nice and dry, they walked in the house, to the living room, where Ed and Al shared their exciting experience with Edward, which is bound to get more hilarious some time soon…

"and he thinks he's in love with me!" Ed said, "He's been watching me sleep all night, he followed me all the way here…"

"This sounds very similar to the book…" Winry looked at the cover of the romantic novel, which was sitting beside her. "Aww, poor Ed! He thinks you are Bella," Winry giggled,

"No! He's better than Bella, which is why I love him so much." Edward rushed over to Ed's side, and hugged him tightly. "Mm, his blood smells better too…like a alcoholic margarita drink, with a touch of lime. Just like the drinks I got drunk on back at my 99th year old birthday party!" Ed, Al, and Winry shivered, boy was Edward creepy.

"Mmm…I wonder if it tastes as good as it smells." Suddenly, Edward's gold eyes had a crazy look in them, he was licking his pale lips. "Wow…I knew I should've gone and hunted for some deer blood, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you sleep." He cleared his throat, Ed turned a bit paranoid when he noticed Edward hold him a little closer than before. "Damn…my hunger sure is powerful today…" Edward mumbled, his voice lower and scarier. "Smell…good…" He sounded like he was being hypnotized by the smell of Ed's blood, and he probably was.

By now, Ed was trying to get the hell out of the way! He tried oh-so desperately to pry Edward's arms open, so he can escape, but it was no use. Edward was holding on to him tight.

"I-I can't take it! I _need_ some of your blood!" He growled, he opened his mouth wide open to show his white vampire teeth-oh wait, he doesn't have any.(despite being called a _vampire_)

"Ahhhh! Get away!!" Ed screamed, punching Edward's arms, trying to break free.

"I'm so sorry, I can't take this…I need some of your alcoholic BLOOD!"

"Wha- I don't even DRINK!"

.

-- "It's Envy Part Two's turn." Sloth groaned, she was on her bed, because she was tired, cause she's Sloth, so she's suppose to be tired, duh.

"Envy Part Two!" Lust called for her, she was holding Gluttony's hand. "It's your turn to feed Gluttony!"

"Gets me a fat guy this time, they are nice and plump!" The obese homunculi rubbed his belly.

"Envy Part Twoo!!" Lust walked to her room, bashing her door open. "Are you in here?" Inside, it was dark, and Bella was whimpering under the bed. "Shesh, Envy Part Two, I already said I was sorry, but you know Wrath, he gets angry if you take the last cupcake…" The pretty homunculi bend down and looked under the bed, Bella was there, hiding herself.

Lust sighed, she reached out, grabbing Bella by her brown hair, and pulling her out.

"Envy Part Two, if you are going to be a part of our family, you need to learn how to tough up! You can start by taking Gluttony out to hunt for his dinner!"

"Hunt…Edward used to HUNT!!" Bella bawled, slapping her palms over her watering eyes.

_How does she know Fullmetal?_ Lust thought, _Who knows, but for know…_ "Stop crying! Gluttony is hungry, and if he misses his meal, it's not pretty! So go and take him to find someone to EAT!" Lust pushed the obese homunculi toward Bella, he tripped, and knocked her over, causing Bella to stumble on the floor.

Bella struggled to get back on her feet(her long dress and heels made it a little bit harder, and the fact that she was a klutz.) "Fine…" Her voice was still shaky, but she tried to calm down. Gluttony grabbed her hand, and Bella guided him out to a near-by town to get him a juicy, tasty fat guy.

.

-- "Ahhhhhh!!" Ed screamed. Edward had been chasing him around the house for exactly 12 minutes straight.

"Ed come back! I'm sorry I tried to drink your blood, but I'll tell you this! It's how we vampires have oral sex, so it might be a bit enjoyable for you-LET ME DRINK YOUR BLOOD!"

"Stay away, freak!" Ed punched Edward in the jaw, as soon as the taller boy got ahold of his sleeve. But that didn't stop Edward, he still had his sleeve.

"Ohhhh, I'm so sorry, Ed…" Edward deeply sighed, letting go of the smaller boy's clothing. "I warned you, I warned you that I was dangerous!"

"You warned me but _you_ didn't leave me alone, if you are so dangerous, why do you keep following me and glomping me like my damn fangirls!?"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!" Edward, indeed, does glomp Ed a lot, and he did it again. "I never knew what went on the mind of fangirls…but as soon as I met you, I knew why! Why they write horrible Mary Sue fanfiction on Fanfiction(dot)Net and/or Quizilla. Why they always pair me up with Jacob in yaoi fan-made drawings, and why they always squeal my name in the most annoying way ever…BECAUSE I'M DAMN PRETTY, AND SO ARE YOU!!" Edward was practically crushing Ed's poor bones because he was hugging him so tight. "Edward Elric, I love you!~ MARRY ME!!"

"No! I keep getting ask that by my fangirls, and I'm for sure not going to say yes to _you_!"

"But-but it's **true love**, something those fucking fangirls can't give you!" Ed broke free of Edward's grip, and ran away. The chase continued on…

.

-- "Whaaaa, I should probably kill myself, just like Bella almost did when Edward left her in the second book of our series, Whhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!" Jacob cried and cried, he almost seemed as annoying as Bella. So he did as he said would, he ran to that same cliff where Bella jumped from. "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it! I'll jump!" But he didn't do it because Sam had just thrown a brick to his head, causing him to pass out right there, on the edge of the cliff.

"Whiny little emo!" Sam shouted to Jacob's unconscious body. Now he had peace, so he decided to go do some werewolf stuff.

* * *

Author's Note: Just curious, do you even read these? These…author's notes? XD


	5. Can't think of a better name than this

~=Try new Edward Elric fragrance! It smells like Margarita mix drinks with a hint of lime. The bottle is pretty neat too. It's in a shape of a rectangle, it has the symbol, the one on Edward's red coat printed on it, and the liquid inside it is light pink. It's called "Fullmetal" BUY IT NOW OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!=~

…and now, back to the story:

"Colonel!" Jean Havoc knocked on Roy Mustang's office door. "There's some weird tan guy here,"

"Weird tan guy?" Roy answered from inside,

"Yeah, I was driving my car here, then I noticed him lying down on the street. I really wasn't going to stop driving, and continue anyway, but then he woke up and jumped on the front of my car, busting my windshield. So here he is." Havoc came in, he had, after a tan boy with him. This tan boy was looking rather confused, and scared.

"Who are you?" Roy asked, staring at the boy.

"Jacob…" He said, "Where am I?" He put on this weird wide puppy dog eyes, he looked like he was going to cry.

"Uhh…you are in a city named Central- "

"Do you know a girl named Bella Swan!?" Jacob looked like he was going to cry like a little bitch.

"Uhh…no, I don't know anyone by that- " But poor Roy was interrupted again, as the stupid pedophile-I mean, werewolf broke down in tears.

"Wwwwhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Jacob fell on his knees and sobbed, while Havoc and Mustang just stared at him…it was one of those awkward moments.

-- "Mm! That was some mighty damn good deer!" Edward leaned against a tree, with his stomach out, since he was full. "Thanks Ed, now you don't have to worry about me eating you," Edward laugh, but he found the smaller Ed not finding the joke at all funny. "Aww, come on! I was kidding,"

"You certainly weren't kidding when you tried to DRINK MY BLOOD!"

"…I couldn't help it, you were sooo sexy, and I was hungry."

"Hmph! Whatever…" The two Edwards walked out of the forest together, where they hunted(I don't know if they have deer in forests, maybe yes, maybe no.)for some deer.

"Hey Ed," Edward called out to him, the smaller boy was walking in front of him, "Wanna ride on my back?"

"Uhh…" Ed just stared at him, as if he were smoking something, like crack or crystal meth…oh wait, you can't smoke crystal meth, can you? I don't know, I'm not a druggie. "I rather not," he said,

"Oh come on! It's fun, Bella loved to ride on my back all the time, just this once. Please?"

"No,"

"Pleeassseeee, just till we get back to the old woman's house, it's not far, and I promise I won't drop you. Please?"

"…No."

"Gosh, you are SUCH a fucking party-pooper!"

"And you are a fucking vampire who sparkles in the sun, is sadistic, and stalks people!"

"…Touché."

"Leave me alone," Ed grumbled, as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, and proceeded his way. But out of nowhere, Ed was lifted up in the air! "I don't care what you say! I'm giving you a piggy back ride, and that's final!" Edward threw Ed on his back, and they flew out of there in great speed. Edward jumped from tree to tree, Ed felt as if he were in a really violent rollercoaster, his stomach was churning, and his face turned green.

"That was fun, no?" He let the little boy off his back, as he fell onto the ground, barfing up his dinner. "Ah, you'll get used it." Edward took a whiff of the air, "Mm, smells like your blonde friend is making dinner, get up!" Edward hauled up Ed back on his feet, and pushed him inside the house.

"Granny, we are back!" Edward shouted,

"Stop calling me that!" Pinako yelled, "I don't even know who you are,"

"I don't know you either, but if you are Ed's grandma, then I shall start calling you Granny for I'm going to marry him one day, if I don't end up eating him first,"

"I'm not his grandmother, but I like to- wait…did you just say you were going to marry him?"

"If I don't eat him first!" Edward grinned, with such enthusiasm, but really what was there to be enthusiastic about.

"You're not going to marry me!" Ed yelled,

"Sure I am," Edward laughed, acting as if Ed had just said a ridiculous joke. "We just have to wait till you grow 18, it's ok though, because I don't age, I'll stay the same and you'll be with me _forever._" As he said, 'forever' Ed could've sword he heard his voice sound a little…evil.

"But if I do, I'll age, and you'll stay the same." grumbled Ed,

"I thought that out too, you see, I'll turn you into a vampire, then you'll have _eternal _life! You won't have to worry about that silly arm of your's, since you look cooler with the fake one anyway, we'll both live in Forks, we'll adopt kids, turn then into vampires too, and you'll never see your friends and brother ever again! Sounds great, right?" The whole room felt silent, Edward shrieked like a girl.

"Horray! You agree with me, God I love you, Ed! Let's name our kids Trishesme Carlemheim! After our parents,"

"What!? No way! That's a horrible name!"

"But is after our PARENTS, it's a mixture of it, it's _romantic_."

"No it's not it's- Wait a minute…how do you know my parents' names?"

"…Uh…I don't spy on your conversations,"

"I never said you did…"

"GOOD! Uhhhh…good…" Edward cleared his throat, flashing a nervous smile.

"You're . Crazy."

-- "You sure you didn't want any?" Gluttony asked, Bella and him were walking back to their lair/home/wherever. Bella shivered, and tried to throw that disgusting image of Gluttony eating that fat man from her mind.

"No…" She said, quietly. The two finally arrive home, where inside they found their family of homunculi.

"There!" Bella sneered, in her usual bitchy way, "I took him out for his lunch, can I go now?" She rolled her eyes at the family of sins. She thought if it was ok to be rude to others without having the consequences, she could be rude to these guys, right?…

"I don't like your tone…" Greed growled, he grabbed one of Bella's hands, jerking her toward him.

"Oww, let go of me!" Bella yelled, and proceeded to whine and bitch. Greed just groaned with frustration and slapped some duct tape on her mouth.

"Mmmmmm!!" Bella shouted, but it could not be heard cause her mouth was covered.

"Better," said Greed, then he pushed Bella away, and went off to a bar or something cause his name was Greed, so he was greedy for some money, power, women, men, giant fluffy pretzels…you get the point.

-- "Shall I read it to you?" Edward asked,

"NO!" Ed growled, him and his brother were at the train station, it was time for them to go to Central, where Mustang had a job for him. But unfortunately, the two brothers couldn't shake the horny vampire off their trail.

"But, it will take your mind off my book, come on! I heard Harry Potter was a great book,"

"You stole it off a little girl," Al said,

"So? She's too young to read. Come on, Ed!" Edward waved around the Harry Potter book around, began to beg. "Please, just one chapter! Why won't you ever let me do anything for you!"

"I don't need anything from you, I'm fine- " A loud sob interrupted Ed in the middle of his sentence, Tears were falling from Edward's eyes, he looked a lot like Armstrong who would always cry for the love of his muscles, and Hughes, who would cry for the love of his daughter's cuteness. Only Edward's tears were because he was a sad panda! Cause Edo-kun no likely him, so he hurt his feelings!~ *sob sob*

Ed tried to ignore him, the best that he could, by waiting there, for his train to board. But Edward was crying so much and hard that people around him were starting to notice. It got worse, because then Edward threw himself on the ground, and started to throw a tantrum.

Now everyone was glaring at them, shaking their heads at the three.

"Excuse me," said a woman, coming up to the crying 108 year old virgin. "What's wrong?"

"E-Ed doesn't love me, but I love him! And I'm trying to win his heart by doing all sorts of thingsss for him, b-but he don't appreciate it, and he called me a FAGGOT!"

"Oh, come ON, that never happen- "

"Shut up, Ed, quit interrupting me!"

"Oh you poor thing," said the woman, patting Edward's back, five other women came and comforted him. They continued glaring at Ed, as if he were a monster(Poor Edo-kun.)

"How could you not love him!?" said a old woman, to Ed. "The poor boy is doing everything for you because he loves you, it's _romantic._"

"No it's not, it's creepy, he stalks me!"

"So!? He just loves you so much! Just like…" The old woman smiled, "The man in that Twilight book, OH! How adorable it is,"

"W-what!? No! Stalking someone isn't romantic, it's disturbing, usually the person who follows you is some rapist or killer!" The ladies weren't liking Ed right now, but then he made it worse…

"Not to mention, Twilight is NOT a good book. There's no plot, since when did vampires go to school? And they don't sparkle! The sun is suppose to hurt them. The main character is whiny, her love interest has a personally of a cardboard…" With each word, more and more ladies continue to crowd them, not looking very happy.

"It's boring smut, it's cliché, it's dumb, and I DON'T LIKE IT!"

"You punk!" yelled a girl around the same age as him, she had tears running down her eyes. All of the women that were surrounding the teen got ready to pounce on him- but-

"Leave him alone!" Edward yelled, standing in front of Ed, putting up his arms in protection. "It's his opinion! You can't attack for that!…You see, he may not like my book…but…I still love him," Edward said, "You cannot let this book control you! You need to be free, live your live! You cannot find TRUE LOVE, if you just keep waiting around for your Edward…and Ed, you ARE my Edward!" It was one of those lovey dovey moments where you want to go 'aww'.

As everyone clapped, Edward turned to Ed, with a smile. Ed just stood there with a shocked look on his face.

"That was…" Ed said, in awe,

"Yes?" Edward rushed to his side,

"So…stupid! And fucking corny!"

"What!?" Edward screamed, and he fainted, anime style!(Ehmahgawd, Edward Cullen went anime, NO WAYY!)Everyone just walked by living their normal lives.

* * *

Author's Note: Yeah…I can't believe I put Jacob there, because Jacob is like…actually one of my favorite character despite me not liking these series,So he was my favorite, till Breaking Dawn that is…

Oh yeah, and evil polka dots are out to get you. ;]


	6. Jacob the Pedowolf

Author's Note: Hola, thanks for your reviews! Anyway, can anyone send this story to Stephenie Meyer? While at it please send this to Vic Mignogna and Santa Claus, please and thank you!

* * *

"Oh, WOW. This book is so great, I really wish I was in this book, instead of Twilight, I would LOVE to be a wizard in Hogwarts. Hm…who knows maybe some British guy from somewhere will play in the fourth Harry Potter movie, but then bumped up to play me, in a Twilight movie. But what are the odds of that!" Edward closed the Harry Potter book.

Ed, Al, and Edward, were riding their train to Central. Ed was sitting next to Al, while Edward sat alone on the other side of them.

"Well, that Harry Potter book sure is better than yours." said Ed,

"Thanks!…wait…" Edward cleared his throat, and smiled nervously. "So, did you like it?"

"Yeah, Harry Potter seems like a magical experience, I might read all the books,"

"No! Not that…did you like that I read to you?" Ed was a feeling a _little_, but just a little bad for Edward, so he decided to let him read the book out loud to him and his brother.

"Oh…yeah, it was ok,"

"Just ok? I even did funny little voices for the characters!" Edward cleared his throat, "Like this~!" He heighten his voice, it was his Hermione voice. "And this?" He made his voice sound rough and raspy, that was his Hagrid voice.

"Uhh…" Ed scratched his head, Edward's impressions weren't that good. "They're great!" Ed lied,

"Thanks!" Edward smiled wide, placing the book right next to him. "So where are we going?"

"To Central," said Al, "Mustang should have some sort of job for Ed."

"A _horse_ is going to give you orders!?" Ed and Al started at Edward, as he began to spaz on how "Horses are meals, and aren't any kind of boss to give orders…" It was one of those…well you know.

.

--"Hey geeky bookworm girl!" Jacob called, while he was knocking his fists on top of a brown haired girl's head.

"My name is Seiszka. Not geeky bookworm girl!" The girl growled, adjusting her glasses.

"Well your name is sooo hard to remember," Jacob growled, "But here, Hughes has more paperwork for you to look over," Jacob pulled out a HUGE stack of papers and he plopped them down on Seiszka's desk. The brown haired girl mumbled and groaned with frustration. "_More_ paperwork?"

"Yup, sucks to you!" Jacob laughed at her misfortunate and returned to Hughes. Since the military didn't know what to do with Jacob, they decided to make him into their personal slave-I mean, some kid who can help them, you know, like if they ever run out of donuts, he can always go out and buy more, right? Right.

"Hello Jake, please bring me some more coffee," said Hughes,

"Sure thing, sir!" He grabbed Hughes mug, but as he placed his hand on it, Hughes put his whole arm around Jacob's, preventing him from going anywhere. "…right after you look at these _adorable _pictures of my daughter, Elysia, Isn't she the cutest thing EVER!~" He cooed, pulling out a couple of photos from his wallet, "Don't you think so, Jacob!" but Jacob didn't answer…he was too busy staring at the photos that contained a very pretty young little girl in a bathing suit, in one she was wearing a TUTU! It was his dream come true!

"She's…" Jacob picked up a photo of Elysia riding a Tricycle. "_Very_ pretty…how old is she?"

"She's exactly three years old,"

"Three!?" Jacob dropped the photo on the ground, and it looked like he was having some kind of silent seizure. _No worries, she'll turn Seven, then she'll be in a legal age, right? RIGHT!?_

"…Jacob- "

"SHAHH-CHEEZ ITS!- uh…oh, sorry Hughes…hehehe…" Jacob cleared his throat, "So…Elysia…what a very pretty name-Can I come visit her one day!" He clapped his hands together, his eyes were big and puppy-like.

Hughes stared at him and felt a little uneasy of Jacob's sudden strange behavior. He _loved_ to show everyone pictures of his most adorable daughter, and would love it even more when people would agree with him…but Jacob…there was something different about him…

…Nah, it was probably nothing! "I'd be honored," Hughes said, and he smiled, "We'll both go visit her after work,"

"Yes! This is going to be great!…but what should I wear? I need new clothes, and some cologne, have to be my most handsome best." With that Jacob left, forgetting that he was suppose get Hughes' coffee, that bastard.

.

-- "_Miss Lucy had some leeches! Her leeches like to suck, and when they drunk up all her blood, she didn't give a-_

_Funny when the doctors, had locked her up in her cell, Miss Lucy had screamed all night that they should go to bloody-_

_Hello to the surgeon, with scalpel old and blunt, he'll tie up to the table and he'll mutilate your-"_

"Ok, Edward, that's enough singing, we're here." said Ed, the train whistle also interrupted the vampire's song, and there they were, in Central city.

"Oh, already?" Edward asked,"I was getting to the good part of the song…"

"Yeah, come on…!" The three of them arrived on the train station.

"Alright, let's gooo!- Where are we going?" Edward asked, he turned to the smaller and blonde Ed.

"We're going to go see Mustang,"

"Ugh, that horse again…"

"Mustang's not a horse! It's his name, Roy Mustang."

"Ohhh! I get it now-HOLY CRAP, WHERE ARE MY PANTS!?" The vampire looked down at where his pants _used _to be, they were missing and all you can see was his boxers. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! How did this happen!?" He began to scream and spaz, while running around and yelling "MY PANTS, MY PANTS, I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY AWESOME PANTS ARE!!" Ed and Al tried to calm him down, seeing how Edward was only just making things worse…or they _will_ get worse.

"Oh my gossh~!!" A little teenage girl ran up to the freak-outed Edward, along with her mom, who both had stupid grins on their face. "You look exactly like Edward from Twilight…and you are wearing _no pants_! Hot!!" Soon a parade of scary fangirls found this and they ran up to the three like a pack of wild bulls.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" The three yelled at the top of their lungs as the hoard of fangirls chased, and chased them till they finally arrived at a place where they knew they surely can be safe…

-- "Come in," said Roy, as he was doing his paperwork, he had just heard a rapid knock outside. So as he said , "Come in" Ed, Al, and a mysterious glittering stranger popped in the room. Ed shut the door behind him, locking it, and leaning against it. "God…awful…fangirls…" He said, a little bit out of breath.

Roy sat there, dumbstruck, as the fangirls were pounding their fists on his office door, and a strange pale, yet dazzling boy sobbed on his floor. "They are worse than I thought!" He cried into his hands, then got in the fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

"Uh…" The Flame Alchemist walked up to crying teenager(well no not really, he's 108, he's old enough to be my great-grandpa) he firmly stood in front of him. "Who are you, and why are you crying on my floor?"

The sparkly gramps looked up with tears running down his frighten face, this reminded Roy of Armstrong only the boy was crying in fear. "F-fangirls…they tried…to attack my friends, and rape me…" His voice was rather shaky, he returned to his fetal position, and his thumb sucking.

"Fullmetal…" Roy decided to ignore the sad, whimpering vampire crying on his floor, he turned his attention to Ed, who was still guarding the door. "You're finally here."

"Y-yeah."

"…Who is this," He gestured to Edward.

"That's-" Ed checks outside, free of fangirls…for now. "-That's Cullen, sir, Edward Cullen."

"Cullen, huh?"

"That's right…" As Edward finally stopped crying like a pussy, he got to his feet, and approached Roy. "My name is Edward Cullen…do I dazzle you?" He wasn't about to ask that, but seeing as Roy was giving him weird looks, he probably was dazzled.

"No…I'm just wondering why you are wearing no pants…"

"…OH GAWD!" So then the freaking out began once more.

.

-- "Well, here we are, Jacob." Hughes stepped out of his car, after him was Jacob. They both stood in front of a cozy little home. "Come on in, I'll introduce you to my wife and daughter!"

"I…can't wait…" _Elysia, here I come! _

"Come on in!" So the two went in the cozy home, and there inside was a woman with short light-brown hair.

"This is my wife," Hughes said to Jacob, "Honey, this is Jacob, he-"

"Hello, I'm Jacob Black, nice to meet you, k thanks bye!" Jacob walked passed Hughes and his wife, without even looking at them, and began his search for the cute little girl, Elysia. He walked all over the house, searching for her, till he finally found her. There she was, sunbathing in the backyard.

"Oooh!" He got giddy and excited, "There she is~!" He was _just_ about to go out, when Hughes grabbed him by his collar.

"Not so fast there, I haven't even given you a tour to my house…"

"Awww man!" With that, Jacob was dragged away by Hughes, and was left to talk to Elysia another time…

* * *

Author's Note: I actually like ol' Jakey, he seemed tolerable out of all the characters in the book. But…again, Breaking Dawn happened and he was left to date a seven year old. So I had no choice but to fit him in all this crackiness in some cracky way. Hope you enjoyed, have a good day.


	7. Nothingness Filler!

Author's Note: Hey readers, guess what? My computer broke. It really sucks cause I had to go get it fixed and shit…Now ALL of my files were erased, every single one! Including the document of the next chapter of this story…So I had to re-write EVERYTHNG! I was really far too, I was almost done. Now, I couldn't remember what I wrote, so I had to start from scratch. Shit! Oh well. Here's the next chapter of When Edward meets Edward, I hope you enjoy it and such…Here you go!

* * *

It's been a few hours, but it looks like they were safe from the horrible fangirls. Edward stared down on his pale, yet sparkly legs. He was wearing his lucky boxers, white with pictures of duckies on them. They were always his favorite pair, and always will be. But he didn't feel so lucky now…

His pants were missing, and he had no idea where to get them. "This sucks," The sparklepire cried, Ed rolled his eyes at him.

"How could you just loose your pants like that!?" Ed yelled,

"How should I know?! I know as much as you," Edward whimpered, he continued to stare at his legs, it was shining in the dim light of Mustang's office… "We have to find them,"

"Huh?"

"We have to find my pants!" Edward stood from the couch, and tried to attempt a epic heroic pose, but was failing miserably at it.

"What are you doing!?" Roy asked the sparklepire, looking up from all his paperwork.

"…trying to look cool, sir."

"Well stop it!"

"Ok, I'm sorry!" Edward pouted like a little boy, sitting back down on the couch, mumbling something along the lines 'I wish you were a real mustang so then I could eat you…'

.

"This sucks…" Jacob grumbled, while he stood there, next to Hughes. He was really upset. He was so close to meeting Elysia, he really wanted to…but then Hughes taken him into a tour of his home, ruining his plans! By the time the tour was over, Elysia was gone…she had gone shopping with her mother.

"Is something wrong, Jake?" Hughes noticed that the boy was rather quiet, he had a frown on his face that made him look like he was butt-hurt because no one came to his birthday party or because his favorite actor called him a "fuckwit" and spit on his shoes that were really expensive.

"Oh…" Jacob sighed, and turned to Hughes, "I'm…alright, it's nothing really."

"Oh, well in this case, could you go get Mustang his coffee? He's awfully busy and doesn't have time to get some."

"…Fine!" Jacob grumbled, grabbing the mug that Mustang handed him for the caffeine. "I'll go get Colonel Mustard- "

"Mustang."

" -Mustang his coffee…"

"Thank you, Jake." Hughes added that he was such a nice boy, as Jacob made off to get the coffee for Mustang.

.

"Where are you going?" Envy followed his fellow homunculus to where ever she was going.

"To see the second Envy." Lust answered,

"Oh…her. Look, can we please name her something else, Like Greed part two? She's more selfish than anything." The family tried their best to give their new sister what she wanted, but it was damn near impossible, she wants her precious _man_. Baw baw baw!

"I don't feel like re-naming her. Let's go." The two of them arrive at Bella's room, they firmly knocked on her door.

"Why are you even talking to her?" Envy asked, he remembered that Bella pissed off everyone so bad that Envy and Wrath were about to attack, they had enough! But they were stopped by the rest of the family members(expect Greed, who was out getting drunk, high, and having sex with hookers.)

"There, there." Lust petted Bella's head, as the teenager sobbed into her boobs- chest, uh…ahem…

"I'm sorry," sniffed Bella, she looked at the homunculi with red teary eyes. "I know I…can be a bitch at times, but I don't mean to! I'm just so used to having everything handed to me!…I guess I really should work for your respect, shouldn't I?"

"Damn right!" Envy yelled,

"Sorry," Bella apologized again, she stared at the floor, as she walked back to her room…

End of the flashback! For those of you who don't know. Anyway, there stood the two. As the door creaked open, a brown head slightly popped out of it.

"You guys here to kick my butt?" Bella whined, hiding half of her face behind the door.

"No," said Lust, "I want to ask you about…Edward."

"…Edward?" Bella finally stepped out into the hallway, feeling safe…for now.

"Yes," _Strange how Fullmetal had a girlfriend, _Lust thought, _A annoying one at that…but she's a homunculi, I wonder if he knew._

Of course they were totally oblivious to the fact that Bella _wasn't _a homunculus…but I ain't saying anything not yet.

"We would like to talk about him." said Envy,

"Oh, wow really!?" Bella clapped her hands together, eagerly, she awaited for the questions.

"Uh, yeah, well- "

"Isn't he beautiful?"

"Beautiful!?" Envy scoffed, I mean, Edward Elric, Beautiful!?…Maybe.

"Yeah, isn't Edward beautiful?…The way his skin just…sparkles." Bella sighed, and her mind seemed to have wonder off into space, she had a goofy dreamy look on her face. Lust and Envy didn't even _want _to know about what she meant by 'sparkles'

"We have questions about him,"

"Questions on his beauty?!"

"…"

.

"Get up!" The very next morning, there was Edward, beside a sleeping Ed. He dragged the smaller boy out of his bed and threw him on the ground.

"Ooww, why'd you do that for?!" Ed rose his head from the face-plant he had experience, there was a huge bump on his forehead.

"We have to start the search."

"For the Philosopher's stone?"

"Wha- No! For my pants!" After all this time, Edward was _still _in nothing but his boxers. "Now, come on. Get up!" He forced Ed onto his feet, and threw his red coat at him. "Now." Edward demanded, "No way, you aren't going to force me into doing things." Ed growled, rubbing the bump on his head, it lightly stung with pain.

"Of course I am…" Edward scoffed and laughed, as if Ed had told him a really funny joke that he only found funny, and no one else in the room. "I'm your boyfriend,"

"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm NOT- Mmf!" If you are wondering how Ed got interrupted and what the 'Mmf' sound was, well here, I'll tell you. Ed was in the middle of his sentence, when Edward grabbed his head, and pushed it forward toward his face, kissing Ed right on his lips.

It was going great, for Edward, but then-

"Oh no, my brother's getting raped!…Again!" Alphonse pounced on Edward, throwing him on the ground, and landing a few punches on his dazzling face.

"It was- ow- worth it- OW!" Edward yelled, Al still beating up up, and Ed throwing up in a near-by plant.

.

"Would you quit calling Edward beautiful."

"But he is!"

"No he's not!…well maybe a little bit, but we could care less about that."

"Why do you care so much anyway?" Bella asked, the whole family were gather around her. They kept trying to ask Bella important questions about the whereabouts of Edward Elric, but it's "His golden eyes~!" That, "He's amazing beautiful" this. Also, for some reason, she wouldn't stop talking about weird sparkles and something about a meadow…since when did Edward Elric sparkle in a meadow!? Also, of all places, why a meadow? Why not a desert? There's plenty of sun there, so plenty more sparkles…

Anyway, back on topic. "We need him," said Lust, "He's after the Philosopher's stone, which we want for ourselves, we- "

"The what now?"

"The Philosopher's stone.""Edward never mentioned no stone, what does it do?"

"Well, he wants it so he can bring his brother's body and his arms and leg."

"But…his arm and leg aren't missing, and there's nothing wrong with Emmett's body."

"Uh, excuse me?"

"Who's Emmett?" Wrath asked,

"His leg and arm _aren't_ missing?" said Greed,

"Emmett's his brother, duh! Also, yeah, I don't know why Edward would want to 'bring' back his arm and leg, since they never went missing." Bella smiled, a bitter smile, but still a smile. The family, though, didn't smile. What in the world was she talking about?

* * *

Author's Note: Short, very short. For me. I'm gonna stop right here because I lost my train of thought, I had it, but now it's gone. It disappeared as my document disappeared. I probably should've saved it on here…stupid, stupid of me! Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter, nothing really happened, but then again, I kind of forgot…now I better get to brainstorming!


	8. The search for Eddiekins' pants

Author's Note: Alright, this isn't…much of a filler, or whatnot. I actually make stuff happen! Haha!…Enjoy! Also, Thank you, those who reviewed!

* * *

"Pants, are you in there?" Edward peeked inside a trash can, where a ton of flies were buzzing around it. "No, it's not in there…and god it stinks" He slammed the lid down back down, and looked inside another trash can. "Paannttss…" He called in it. "Not here either." Edward slammed the lid back down…he went to another- "What are you doing _now_?" Ed sighed, frustrated, he really couldn't keep up with Edward's crazy shenanigans.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Edward growled, giving dirty looks to a raccoon that just stole a rotten apple core and ate it.

"You aren't going to find your pants in there."

"How would you know!? At least you still _have _your pants." Edward was still in his ducky boxers, not even bothering to find some new pants to put on. Roy offered to help by searching the lost and found, but all he found was some hot pink leather pants. They were too tight for Edward's waist.

"It's pointless, just get some new pants."

"What?" Edward hissed, he frowned and looked butt-hurt. "I can't get new pants, those pants they…they were my _life._" Edward slammed his palm on his chest, making it look like he was actually slamming it on his heart. "Those were my lucky pants, they were with me since…since that Calvin Klein sale last month! I can't just get new ones, it won't be the same." He sighed, continue frowning. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his grey hoodie, and stared at the ground. "Besides, I don't have money for new ones." He mumbled quietly, he spend the last of his daily allowance on water balloons and squirt guns.

"Well we can't follow you around all day just to look for those damn things," said Ed, "We actually have important things to do, me and Al…"

"I know…It's just…" Edward sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, I completely forgotten about you and Al, you need to find that stone of yours." He forced a smile on his face, as a addition to his apology, but Ed didn't smile back, he just stood there, and nodded.

"That's right."

"Well, I guess we could put aside the quest for my pants, and help you find- " Edward trailed off, something had caught his eye. Someone, a little girl. She was playing with her friends, they all had something that they were using as a parachute for when they rolled down with their bikes. "My pants!" Edward gasped, "Ed, it's my pants! Those girls have them." He took off at his super-speed. "Hey you, gimme back my pants!!"

.

--Bella didn't really know why her new 'family' asked for questions on her Eddiekins, then act like they completely oblivious to the obvious facts! After all, _they _were the ones saying all these weird stuff like Edward having a arm and leg made of metal, and knowing something called "Alchemy" Weird place she was…

"If my Edward is here…then I need to find him!" She was determined to get her sparkly and pale stalker of a boyfriend back! She just needed a way to get a out, a plan.

"But what?" She said, she began brainstorming.

.

"Ahh!" Edward came out of nowhere, and fell onto the table, his face falling into the plate that Ed was eating.

"…What the fuck." That was all Ed said. He really wasn't liking the whole "Sparklepire face in his food" deal.

"Sorry, Ed." Edward peeled off the steak that was stuck on his cheek, and placed it back on Ed's plate. "I just had to get away, didn't see where I was going!" He sat down on a empty chair, next to Al. If you can tell by now, they are at a restaurant, they had a nice table outside, for it was such a nice day. So the skin of the killer - eh…hehehe, I mean, the skin of Edward was sparkling more then ever. Most just thought he was sweating, cause that's really what it looked like. Shiny sweat.

"I got my pants back!" Edward happily held up his pants, like a trophy. "Wasn't easy though, I had to smother myself in honey, dance around to techno music, and let them spank me a couple of times…but it was all worth it." He gulped, the experience was horrible, but that didn't matter, for his pants were safely back in his arms. Edward, feeling pretty good about himself, decided to check out the menu, despite not being able to eat human food, but maybe one ice cream sundae wouldn't hurt!

"Why…why aren't you wearing your pants _now?_" Ed wondered, the sparkling vampire kept whining and crying about not having his pants, he has them, yet he's _still _in his boxers.

"Huh, sorry what was that?" said Edward, "I wasn't paying attention,"

"Your pants! Why aren't you wearing them."

"Oh right…" Edward placed the menu back down on the table, "Well, I've been thinking, my lucky boxers weren't getting as much as attention as my lucky pants, so I decided to not wear my pants for a while, just for them!" …Silence. They aren't saying anything. It was one of those…_awkward moments._

"What are you two staring at?" Edward asked, looking up from his menu. "Ed, eat! It's important."

"I would…" Ed growled bitterly. "If it wasn't for your face that _tainted _it."

"…Oh." Edward reached over and grabbed the steak of Ed's plate again, he looked at it with a sad frown on his face, as if he had just ran over a adorable puppy. "I dazzled it too much…I'll go get you another one, Ed." He put the steak back on the plate, then took it inside the restaurant. He was going to demand for a new steak.

.

--"Grr, it's boring working here!" Jacob complained to Seszka, who was deep knee into paperwork.

"You're complaining?!" Seszka groaned, "At least you don't have to do a ton of paperwork till your brain fries!" She looked over the paperwork, read over a few lines, then got back to work.

"Oh, you think it's _easy_ to do what I do?" said Jacob, sounding offended. "I have to _walk_ all the way to where they make the coffee, then get this, I have to _pour_ the coffee into the mug, then take it back!" It was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life(Even though he's forgetting that he also has to pick up dry cleaning, buy them some lunch, and wash their cars)

"Oh yeah, it's sooo hard to be you!" Seszka groaned sarcastically, but of course, Jacob didn't know that.

"I know! Thank you for understanding." He stole Seszka's coffee and drank it down whole. "Well, nice talking to you, Seszie." He patted her on her head, and walked off. Yes, he had a given her a nickname, that way, he can easily remember it.

_Maybe I should give Elysia a nickname too._ He thought, on his way back to Mustang's office, for his other errant. _Ellie or…Sia? No Ellie sounds way-_ "OW!" The impact of being hit in the way by a opening door was great for Jacob, he fall backwards, and landed on his back. "…Ow."

"Oh! Sorry, Jake." Roy closed the door behind him, he bend down and offered his hand to Jacob.

"It's alright," He grabbed it, and swiftly lifted himself from the ground. The was a big red mark on Jacob's forehead where the door had hit him.

"Really sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it!" Jacob smiled, and ignored the headache he had now. "Do you need anything else, sir?"

"…As a matter a fact, yes." Roy looked over some paperwork he had in his hands. "Can you go make a few important phone calls?"

"Phone calls?" _Like important phones calls that they keep making every once and while, about terrorists or hijackers on trains and stuff? _Jacob wondered, excitement build in himself, he was going to get to do really awesome stuff the military kept doing. He became giddy once more. "I would love to! Anything sir, anything!"

"Great," Roy pulled out a tiny pink slip from one of the folders, containing the paperwork. "Then could you call this girl I'm suppose to go out with tonight? I'd do it myself, but I'm far too busy."

"…girl?" Jacob took the pink slip.

"Yes, tell her I can't make it tonight, I'm sure she'll understand." Roy patted Jacob on the back, and left, leaving the werewolf standing there with fallen hope.

.

"Oh look…" Ed sighed deeply, he couldn't believe it. "There's more." He pulled out the three other books of the Twilight series. Once again, they were at the library. Ed and Al didn't have to inspect the coal mine in the town they were in just yet, so they decided to wait a while, looking for books on the stone and alchemy. Instead, they found crappy teenage romance.

"Yup," Edward came up to him, grabbing New Moon. "I leave Bella in this one, and I meet quite the interesting people while I'm gone, like Richard Simmons." He reminisced for a bit, "I met Eminem too, he's my favorite rapper."

Ed just nodded, he honestly had no idea who he was talking about.

"I wonder how Bella is doing, she's probably handling the situation pretty bad." Edward opened the book and read a random page. "Holy shit, Bella tried to _kill_ herself!?…Shesh, that girl cannot just quit me." He shook his head in disappointment, "I've gotta stop leading her on, Ed, it's not fair to her." He placed New Moon back, and grabbed Eclipse. Reading that, he arched a eyebrow, then frowned, then smiled, then frowned some more… "Ah, Jacob…" He said, "He's my arch rival according to Stephenie Meyer." Edward now found himself wondering how Jacob was doing, sure they hated each other cause Bella was the ever so attention whore who those two fought over…but he always wondered, if Bella wasn't here, he probably could've been real good friends with him. "Oh well," Edward shrugged, placing Eclipse back on the shelf. "I guess we should go then- " Edward turned around, his face looked puzzled. He looked sideways, and up and down. No Ed or Al.

"…Ah! They left me again!" He ran out of the library, screaming.

* * *

Author's Note: Stay tuned, something's going to happen…I won't spoil it for you.


	9. Needs mo' Chagrin

Author's Note: This story contains misuses of Chagrin and first person.

* * *

Bella Swan's P.O.V

Finally, I can talk in first person again and narrate my suckish life even though everyone loves me and almost every boy wants to get into my pants(including my teacher)

These weirdos kept asking questions about my Edward, and I kept telling them everything! So why must they keep looking at me like I was crazy? I'm not crazy…I'm too good to be crazy, _they're_ crazy! They're all crazy!

That's why I came up with a clever plan to escape tonight…yes, quite clever and intelligent and…other big words that show how smart I am, you get the point! I climbed out the window of my room, and forgot that I was in the third floor, so I dived and fell on my back.

"Ouch," I said, and I picked myself up from the dirty ground. Time to find my Edward.

Edward Cullen's P.O.V

Sweet! I can finally narrate, although I _do_ narrate, in Midnight Sun, which was called off, which I don't mind because I'm unbelievably boring in it, and all I talk about is how good freesia smells like and how I want to eat Bella…and stuff. Not really important.

But what is important is my Ed. Edward Elric. His blood…it gave out a slight scent of it's usual margarita mix and just a tiny hint of lime. It smells cool and refreshing, enough to satisfy my whole hunger. I try hard, hard to prevent myself into sinking my non-existent vampire teeth into his wonderful, slightly tan neck. I can't…I just can't. Oh, it really didn't help how when we were walking in town, there was a rush of air blowing toward Ed. The delicious smell of his blood flew right up my nose. Must resist, must do it.

If he knew better, he would stay away, would stay away from me. But he never listens. He's clingy, always wanting to be at my side…

Edward Elric's P.O.V

Christ, won't this guy ever leave me alone?

Here I am, trying to inspect the coal mine, and that idiot wouldn't leave me alone! He kept smiling like a jackass, and waving to me.

"Hey Ed, look at me, I'm right here, I love you!"

I repeat, will he ever leave me alone!?

Jacob Black's P.O.V

"Elysia, here I come!~" I made up a song for her, cause I love her. I ran all the way to Hughes' house for dinner, ready to eat cause I was starving, I could've turned into a werewolf and went into the woods and ate something, but then I would've missed my chance to meet up with Elysia again!

Not again. I'm determined to find her!

I came up to the door, check my breath, minty fresh. Alright. I rang the doorbell and waited patiently.

"Oh, Jake!" Gracia came up to me, bring me into a warm and friendly hug. "Oh flowers, are those for me!" She swept the flowers away from my hands, and I frowned.

"No…" I said, still frowning. "Those are for Elysia."

"My daughter?"

_No, your Gynecologist. Yes your daughter! _"Yes…"

"Oh well that's very sweet of you, I'll take these to her."

"W-well I was hoping to see her." I gave her my best puppy dog eyes, that always works.

"I'm sorry, Jake. But she's got a cold." Gracia smiled sadly at me. "I'm sure these flowers from you will make her very happy though!" She waved bye to me, walking away, with my flowers to Elysia. She left me there with fallen hope and disappointment.

Bella Swan's P.O.V

Chagrinly, I ran down the dark road, these damn heels kept tripping me. I don't know if it's because I'm a klutz, or cause these heels are so big. Out of Chagrin, I took off my heels, and threw them in a dumpster near-by.

As my feet hit the chilling, hard ground of the road, I shivered. It reminded me so much of Edward's pale skin…

So this is how it will feel like to have sex with him? A cold, hard rock?!

Sam's P.O.V

Nothing's happening.

Jean Havoc's P.O.V

Finally out on a date with a pretty lady that Mustang didn't steal from me. The best part is, she might be a keeper. She already invited me to her house to spend the night and it was getting pretty steamy. We locked lips and played tonsil hockey. I carelessly chewed off the buttons of her blouse, as she unzipped my-

Whoops, can't go any further than that sorry!

Edward Cullen's P.O.V

My whole body filled up of feelings of hot and cold as I continued to watch Ed stand there and look at things. Not yet, wait till you are married…

Will I ever ask him to marry me? I don't know, it just seems like he hates me, I guess it's better not to waste my time.

So why am I still here? I can try finding my way home on my own!…

…

Oh! Now I know how Bella feels like when she's around me. She's addicted to me, like a drug. I'm addicting to Ed, he's my drug. My drug that I simply just want to overdose on.

I pay no attention to his wonderful scent, it was getting dark. It was time for the brothers to rent a room at a Inn.

"Do I have to wait outside again?""As always."

"But…just this once, please, I want to watch you sleep!"

"No, that's creepy. If you do, I won't hesitated to kill you."

"You can't kill me! Meyer made me invisible!" Which sometimes I wish she hadn't done because then it would be easy for me to kill myself. Yes, I'm partially emo and I don't care what you think of me, my one and true love hates me, I have nothing to do live for! I sighed in a Chagrinly manner, as Ed and Al rented a room inside a really nice looking Inn. It was cozy, the Inn was not to crowded and not to empty. Just right.

"See you tomorrow, Edward." said Al, he quietly waved at me, and entered the room with his older brother, slamming the door shut in my face. Any closer and my nose would've been bruised.

"I sighed," I sighed in disbelief, sitting down on the floor, leaning against the door. I might as well protect them from intruders who might want to come in and kidnap them.

It got a little boring, I mean, I wasn't watching him to ease my boredom, so I took out a deck of cards and started playing "Go Fish" with myself.

"Do I got any threes? Yes, I do. Haha…" I won again! I'm a god when it comes to Go Fish.

As I continue to play my quiet little game, I hear a sudden _thud_. Then a scream, then three more screams, then yelling. It was all coming inside from Ed's room.

…

Hm, guess I should check it out?…yeah that's the best option.

I knock on the door, and there's more yelling. Really wasn't sure if they could hear me, I just burst through, like Superman, and say "Ed, I'm here to save you!- Holy CRAP!…Bella!?"

That's right, Bella. Bella Swan was standing in this very room, this very moment.

Bella Swan's P.O.V

Yes, yes! Finally, I've found my Edward! I was more than excited to see him, I was _chagrin._ I cried tears of joy, as I saw his beautiful, masculine sparkling face. I just want to run up and fall into his arms, like falling in a fluffy could on heaven.

"Edward!" I shouted, I was ready to shower him with my precious love.

"Bella?" His face, he looked dumbstruck, maybe he really was happy to see me. I hope so! His beautiful body and sparkles fill me up with chagrin.

"Edward!!" I ran up, wrapping my arms around his sexy body, I missed that the most, beside his handsome face. "I'm so glad we're back together, I was about to kill myself again if I didn't ever see you!"

He didn't say anything…maybe this means he's happy to see me too? Oooh, I hope so, I love my Edward sooo much!

"Bella." He said, in his dazzling, seductive voice(Not really, Edward sounded like he was a scared little girl, shh! Don't tell Bella though!).

"Yes, my love?"

"…How did you find me?"

"Oh that was easy! I ran away from the home of those freaks, and I continued walking, bare foot." I quickly peek down my feet, they were bleeding, ow, stupid sharp rocks. "I saw you, and these other unimportant people." I waved my hand to the short blonde boy and his father who was in a suit of armor. "I broke in here, thinking you would be here…and you are~!" Tears run down my face, so happy I was! I leaned up to kiss my Edward! But…he didn't kiss me. He just left me there, with my lips puckered. Why isn't he kissing me!?

Edward Cullen's P.O.V

Oh shit, she's here! Damn…oh…what do I tell her, what do I tell her!?

How can I possibly tell her that I'm over her and want Ed now?

* * *

Author's Note: It stops here! I already written way to much, and I don't want stretch out this story any longer. Alright…I had fun with this one. But I didn't put enough chagrin. Needs more CHAGRIN!Anyway, I've decided to take on first person, just this once. I might do it again next chapter, but that might be the last time. I just…wanted to have fun with it, I guess you can say. So here's the result. Hope you liked it, have a wonderful day or not or whatever!


	10. The Lion, the Lamb, and the Ant

Author's Note: Well…I checked the last chapter and I had typos and mistakes. Shesh, just when I told myself I was going to not do that anymore! Well…if this chapter has typos, then I officially suck at editing my own chapters and might need a beta. But in the meanwhile, I'm gonna try to finish this fic, so I can move on to others. Don't worry, not trying to say I don't enjoy writing this. I do, I enjoy writing this a lot. Also no more first person, cause that's how I roll.

* * *

So there was Bella Swan, standing next to her precious Eddiepoo. Ed and Al were very confused. Bella was too. Edward was nervous.

"Well um, uh, um, uh, ummmm…uhhhhh…" That was all Edward said, he furiously tried to think of something to explain to everyone. "So it was like this," He said, "I was walking down the street, and I saw a penny on the ground, I bend down to get it, but then my pants ripped so I had to- "

"Edward, where have you been?" asked Bella, wondering where all the purple prose went and why Edward wasn't calling her his lamb or something like that.

"…The lion, he fell in love with the lamb, right?"

"That's right!" Bella giggled, "Such stupid lamb, right?"

"Yes, very stupid." Edward cleared his throat, and continued. "Anyway, the lion felt that the lamb was getting to clingy, but he didn't know how to tell her this." Bella's dorky smile was replaced with a expression filled with confusion. "The lion ran away, and somehow ended up in this place." Edward gestured to the outside world, they were in now.

"The lion then met the ant and the teapot, who was his brother." From afar, Ed and Al heard this. Cue anime sweat drop, then anime vain pop for Ed once he heard the word 'ant'.

"What are you trying to say!?" said Bella,

"…and so the Lion fell in love with the Ant."

"Say what?" The whole room, expect Edward, asked.

"Well…who is this ant!? I bet you I can be better than her you know!" Bella yelled, pouting like a little immature girl.

"No, no you can't. And _he's_ right here." Edward grabbed Ed's shoulder, forcing him in front of him, then presenting him like if he were his trophy wife.

"A-a boy?" Bella stuttered, her eyes wide enough that they might've popped out of her head. "Edward…I never knew you swung that way."

"Well of course I do!" Edward growled, "Why else do you think everyone was surprised when I brought home a _girl_, that day I took you to meet my family?" The whole room was quiet, Bella's eyes were still wide with surprise, and was deeply confused.

"B-but you can't be over me, remember, we are soulmates!"

"I don't believe in that crap! Besides…if I did have a soulmate, I would want it to be Ed, here."

"Grr, For the last fucking time, I HATE YOU!" Ed shouted, but it seems like both Edward and Bella didn't hear it, so tough luck for him.

"Ed?" Bella eyed Ed, frowning. "His name is Edward too?"

"Yes!" Edward said, "Isn't that wonderful! It's like…if he had married me, then his last name would be Cullen and his full name would be Edward Cullen. Like me! Only I guess I would change it to Ed Cullen or something like that but people will still get confused, and I'll laugh my ass off!"

"Wait!…you two are getting _married_!?" Bella sobbed, her eyes getting watery and puffy again. "Y-y-you can't marry him! You love me, I'm special, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!" She fell on her knees, crying into her hands.

"Wha- I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED WITH THIS GUY!!" Ed screamed, "He fucking sparkles in the sun, he's a creepy stalker that might be messed up in the head, he's abnormal, he's a freak, and I don't want to be of any part of his life!"

"B-but he's hot, that's all that matters!"

"NO IT DOESN'T!" Ed grabbed Bella by her shoulders, shaking her so fast that her head might fall of any minute. "Snap out of it, you idiot! Someone who barely knows you, who stacks you, watches you in your sleep - these are all signs of a really sick man that's most likely to be a serial killer! It's not love, it's not love. It. Is. Not. Love!"

Bella was making a weird gurgling noise while Ed was shaking her, was she choking on her own spit?

…Let's hope so.

"Yes. It. Is!" Bella said, between the shaking that was that still happening, "It. Has. To. Be!"

Finally, Ed got tried of shaking Bella. He released his grip from her shoulders, and she fell on the floor, a little dizzy from all of it.

"Oooh Mommy Renee, I want my juice." Bella said, her voice a little slurred, then she fell into some weird ass coma. Not that anyone was complaining, it was best to leave her there.

"…Well now that she's into a deep sleep." Edward ran forward, trying to scoop the small boy into his arms, but Ed moved out of the way, putting his foot in front, so that he trip Edward. Edward fell onto the floor, and on his face.

"Oh no you don't, you son of a bitch!" Ed said, "You gotta get it through your fucking thick skull that I hate you! I hate you and I hate that stupid book you are in!"

"E-Ed…" said Edward, but his face was hidden. Ed couldn't quite make out what he was doing…just lying there…was he…was he _crying_? "I can't help myself, and I don't know where else to go." He sniffed, "I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how Bella got here, and you, and Al, and…" He sighed, standing up from the ground, he faced the blonde boy. "I'm sorry," He whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Whatever…" Ed scoffed, and turned away. He walked to where Bella was, lightly kicking her awake.

"HMM- What!?" Bella eyes popped open, "W-where am I?…Who am I? Who are you? Where's Waldo!?" Bella sobbed like a little baby, muttering weird things under her breath, in a little baby voice. Something about her wanting her blanky.

"Oh…" Ed facepalmed, he took a near-by lamp, smashing against Bella's head. She passed out once more. "Ah, there…peace and quiet." He sighed,

"…so that's what you had to do to shut her up." Edward said, "Nice…" He placed his hand on Ed's shoulder. "Thanks, Edward…Thedward." He laughed and snorted at his own joke, but soon stopped when he realized that he was the only one.

"What was your author smoking when she wrote your book?" Ed asked,

"I don't know, I sometimes wonder the same thing, it would explain the a lot really…" Edward lightly patted Ed on his back, then sighed. "Ed, what I wouldn't give to live here."

"No way, you'll just stalk me and -"

"No, I won't. I promise." He sighed, "I just…want to figure out how I got here…and how to stay here."

"Why would you want that?"

"Because…" Edward sighed, "I hate it at Forks! It's always 'go to high school'! How can I go to school if I never age! People are bound to find out sooner or later…" He sighs,

"You think living here will be any different?"

"Well, it currently was different when I hanged out with you and Al," Edward walked toward the window leading outside, he looked up at the sky, at the stars… "Damn, no UFO. Next time, I will catch one!"

"You're such a idiot!"

"What? I really like UFOs and have been searching for them since I was a little boy."

Ed sighed, this was going to be a long night.

.

Jacob was sitting on the footsteps leading to Hughes' home. "This time for sure…" He said, but he was too nervous. "Oooh, I shouldn't have had all those breakfast burritos…"

"Jake, it's you again." Hughes came up to him, his voice flat. "…This is the fifth time in a row that you've been to my house."

"Oh, I know, Hughes." Jacob said, but he couldn't quite figure out to tell him that he was in love with his daughter. "…Is Elysia here?"

"Yes…"

"Oh really, you mean it!?"

"Yeah, she's inside with her little friends."

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"DAMMIT!" Hughes jumped back, surprised by Jacob's sudden scream. As for Jacob, he stomped on the ground angrily, looking like a little boy who parents refused to give him ice cream before supper. "Will I _ever_ get any time with her alone! _EVER!?_"

Hughes, baffled by Jacob's behavior, slowly tried to get pass by him and walk up to his home. Leaving the boy there to throw his tantrum.

"This is all your fault!" Jacob yelled, pointing his angry finger at Hughes. "YOU!"

"What did I do!?"

"NOTHING! But I need someone to blame anyway!" Jacob made weird heavy breathing noises, like he was a dragon about to burst fire. "My Elysia…" He whimpered. "_Your_ Elysia!?"

"…Oops." Jacob looked up to Hughes, wide eyes and all, and he grinned. "Did I say 'My Elysia' No, no…I meant to say was…my…Gracia."

"My wife?"

"…Yes."

Hughes eyed Jacob suspiciously, walking up the steps to his home. "You know what, Jake." He said, "I don't think I'm very comfortable with you coming here anymore, please leave and never come back." With that, Hughes went inside his house, and locked the door behind him.

"…You think that's going to stop me?" Jacob said, "Oh no…I'll make sure I get to Elyisa, I _will._" That last part, you could almost be sure that he sounded like a evil demon from hell.

* * *

Author's Note:…I'm surprised I haven't gotten flames from Twilight fan girls yet…am I doing something wrong? Thanks for reading.


	11. More screentime for others

Author's Note: Whaaa…I think I'm actually getting a bit bored with this. D: Oh noes, all the fun I had writing it! Don't worry, I'm still having quite the bit of fun, and you don't have to worry about me not continuing, I promise, I see that this story will end in the most lulzy way ever!…At least, I'll try. Heheh.

* * *

After a few minutes of hard thinking and planning, Jacob finally found out a way to get into Hughes' home and see his precious loli-- uuhhhh I mean…Elysia. He quietly stood outside her bedroom window, with a rock on his hand. Wondering why he just didn't turn into a werewolf and eat Hughes, but he could never eat the father of his soon-to-be-wife.

So Jacob threw the rock, intending for it to just lightly tap off the window, making some noise that will get Elysia to notice him, to get her to come to the window so they can have a nice conversation on oranges and spaghetti pasta.

But the rock instead ended up breaking the window, and leaving a big hole it.

"…Oops." Jacob quietly said to himself,

"Who's out there!" He heard someone say, of course, he could recognize this voice of Mae Hughes, who was now his brand new enemy.(He's completely forgotten about Edward, who isn't a enemy, more like a rival, but still.)

"Oh no!" Jacob quietly ran behind Hughes' car, peeping over it and seeing Hughes examine the broken glass and the rock inside Elysia's room.

"Who in the world…" Hughes muttered to himself, he frowned, now looking out the window and searching for the perpetrator. "Don't tell me…" He already had a good idea of how was out there, and a very good idea of who threw this rock. "Jacob! I thought I already told you to stop coming here!" Hughes yelled out into the street.

"I'm not Jacob!" said Jacob, disguising his voice into a high-pitched female one. But of course, it didn't sound like a female's voice, it sounded like a guy who just got kicked in the balls. "I'm Mrs. Butterworth, and I lost my cat, but I just found her so I'm on my way!" Jacob tried to quickly sneak away without being spotted by Hughes, tried to stay as sneaky as a spy.

"Don't lie to me, Jake, I can see you!"

"YOU SEE NOTHING!" Jacob clapped both of this hands over his ears and started singing, so that he can't hear Hughes' angry cries, and it could be easier to ignore him.

.

"Hey guys…" Bella said, all gloomy and sad, returning back to the family of Homunculus. "Oh." Envy said, his tone flat. "You're back."

"Yes, I'm back…" It was too bad, everyone thought that Bella was gone for good, and they wouldn't have to put up with her crap anymore, they were going to celebrate with champagne. Lust already stole a bottle.

"I know I've been bad to you guys and everything but…" Bella broke down into tears. "My Edward leeefffttt me~!" She slapped her palms over her eyes, sobbing into them. She fell on her knees and continued to cry. "He hates me and has found another." She said, between sobs.

"Wow." said Envy, _Edward Elric's a player._ He thought, then he turned to Lust, cause he wasn't the type to go over and comfort someone when they were down.

"Fine…" Lust groaned, and she bend down, putting her arms around the small girl. "There, there. Now tell me all about it."

"Well, I went to go see my Edward -I lost your heels by the way, Lust-" Which was true, Lust could see that Bella was bare-foot. The trouble she went through, just to get those heels. " -Anyway, I went to go see my Edward and there he was, and he was with this other boy and his robot father." Everyone looked at Bella as if she were the oddest person they've ever meet…well she sort of was, but now she seemed odder.

"Then." Bella continued, "Then I sneaked into the Inn they were sleeping in, hoping that I can reunite with my Edward! And he said _this_!" Bella sneered, tears still pouring down those red, puffy eyes. " 'And so the Lion fell in love with the Ant. The _ant_!" She sobbed harder into Lust's shoulder, muttering like a little child who's candy just got stolen. "I'm. So. Sad! How could Edward leave me for that small, blonde boy, how could he!?"

Small, blonde boy? But that fit the description of…

"Hey!" Envy yelled so sudden, making Bella jump. "Edward, you said that the guy you love is named Edward!"

"Well duh! I just said about million-"

"Yeah, yeah whatever. But how could Fullmetal leave you for himself?"

"Full…metal?" Bella looked puzzled, she stopped her sobbing and crying, wiping off her tears from her cheeks. "Who is that?" Puzzled looks just formed on everyone's faces now.

"Fullmetal." Lust repeated, "Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. Your boyfriend."

There was pause, then Bella screamed. It hurted everyone's ears. "I hate that stupid blonde boy!" Bella yelled, "He's the one who stole Edward from me!" She huffed and puffed angrily, the homunculi cast each other looks.

So…Edward Elric _wasn't_ the one she was talking about.

"There's a different boy named Edward that you love?" asked Envy,

"Yes, Edward Cullen, and he doesn't love me anymore, he dumped me for someone shorter and _blonde._" Bella hated that fact the most, how could Edward love someone that was blonde!?

"Blah, blonde people are evil!" Bella began to run around their little lair, yelling over and over again on how blondes are evil. It…really wasn't awkward, but kind of funny.

.

"I should get a jetpack." Jacob quietly said to himself, drawing up another plan that could finally have him meet his precious Elysia in no time. He was right there, hiding in the bushes near Hughes' home. Hughes was gone to work…and he needed to do is get Gracia away. Hughes probably already told her about him and his creepy pedoness, so she's bound to not let him in, no matter what.

"I could run in and yell that there's a sale at Claire's. Girls like that, right?" But he wasn't sure, so he crossed that plan off his list. Yes, he had a list.

"I'll bake her a pie and make it explode so that she can never come back! I'll then adopt Elysia and she will be mine forever, mhm!" …Nope, where was he going to find e exploding pie? Cross that off.

"There's gotta be something, just…_something_!" Jacob's brain almost fried from all this thinking, he felt as if it were about to finally shut down, when-

"Hi!" said a cute little high-pitched voice.

"Huh?" Jacob turned to the voice and there she was - Elysia!

"…Elysia?"

"Yes, that's my name. Who are you?"

"…"

"…"

"Oh my gosh! Finally!" Jacob cried anime tears of joy which makes you wonder how he could do that when he's not anime, but try your best to imagine it anyway. "After so long, I have finally met you, my darling!"

"…Darling?" Elysia said, a bit confused. "My mommy calls me that!"

"Right, right…um…" Jacob cleared his throat, "Where is your mommy?" He asked,

"She's right inside my house." Elysia giggled, "Want me to go get her- "

"No, no. That's perfectly fine…wanna go get some ice cream with me, I swear it's ok! I'm a friend of your dad and all."

"I can't. Mommy said not to talk to strangers."

"But I'm not strange!"

"We can talk later, k?" Elysia said, looking behind her, to where her home was. "What's your name?"

"Oh I'm Jaaaa-ouuwwaaaa." Jacob went through a list of fakes names on his head, if he told Elysia she was most likely about to tell her parents about him, and he can't let that happen. "My name is Frank- Andrew- Kevin Gold Spielberg!" He blurted out.

"…Frank Andrew Kevin Gold Spielberg?" Elysia repeated, blinking.

"…Call me Frankie for short?"

"Ok, I will." Elysia giggled, it made Jacob blush.

"Oh, almost forgot, here." Jacob reached into his pocket, pulling out a little bracelet. "This is for you. It's a friendship bracelet!"

"Oooh~! I never had a friendship bracelet!" Elysia clapped her hands together with glee. "Well now you do, and it's yours." Jacob smiled, placing the bracelet on her little wrist.

"Thank you, Frankie."

"Frankie? Who's Frankie, I'm- OH! I mean, yeah….you're welcome." The pedowolf laughed nervously, clearing his throat.

"See you, Frankie!" Elysia waved her hand to him, and ran back to her home. Jacob continued to cry anime tears of joy.

_Such a sweet angel~!_ He thought, _So adorable and precious._ He blew his nose his sleeve, and walked away.

.

Meanwhile, at the Cullen residence. "Wow!" Alice said, in awe. She was eagerly watching the television set, as her new favorite show was on. "This new show is so great, I love it soooooooooooooooooooo much!" Alice continued watching the show, jumping in excitement. Rosalie came in.

"What are you watching?" She says,

"Fullmetal Alchemist."

"What?"

"A new show I just discovered, it's wonderful." Rosalie decided to sit down next to Alice, and watched along with her. That's when she heard -

"Oooh, the blonde boy's name is Edward, just like- " She paused. "Hm…why can't I remember."

"Our Edward?" Alice asked,

"…Oh yes! Now I remember."

"Where is Edward anyway?"

"I don't know."

"Hm." Both of them continued watching the anime, not really paying any attention to anything else, and noticing that their fellow Sparklepire has been missing for some while…and it's been days.

* * *

Author's Note: Blah! No Ed or Ed in this story. :P Wanted to write about others for a change(which is why I added in the rest of the Cullens) I also don't like writing Jacob how he is, I mean, it's not my fault, it's Breaking Dawn, but still! Oh well…not my fault. Hahaha. Plus he has to fit in the crackiness somehow, I already mentioned this, didn't I? Also I don't mean it when I say blonde people are evil!(It's just the way the author writes Twilight makes it seem)

Another thing, did the Cullens have a T.V.? I can't remember or seem to recall Stephenie Meyer ever mentioning it…oh well, wherever they have a T.V. or not, they do now. Thanks for reading.


	12. Alice arrives

Author's Note: Must not get bored with this…must finish. Must finish this epic lulzy story! For you, my readers! Yes…I won't give up. Thanks for reviewing and taking the time to read this weird ass, yet funny parody. Again, still wondering why I haven't gotten any flames…is it wrong to want some? I could use a laugh. Enjoy.

* * *

"Alphonse would smell like Daiquiris."

"Huh?" Ed wasn't really paying any attention to Edward, he was busy doing things that were actually important, like looking over some research for the Philosopher's stone, in a handy dandy book that explained all about alchemy and such. Edward had brought it from the library(after returning Twilight)and was now on his way back, with Al, and of course, Edward Cullen.

"You smell like margaritas, Ed, and I think Al would smell like daiquiris."

"What makes you think that?" Al thought,

"I have no clue, it just seems like you guys always have a thing of having your blood smell like cocktails." Edward licked his lips, he loved himself some good alcoholic cocktails.

.

Back at Forks, the Cullens still didn't realize that Edward was gone, or maybe they just didn't care. You should see what Charlie and Renee did when they found out Bella was gone, thrown a mother fucking party. They even got back together, go figure.

But anyway, there Alice sat, reading her Fullmetal Alchemist manga, it was official, this vampixie that can see into the future(She cheats in the Lotto with this) was a big fan of this anime and manga. So was Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper. Alice had gotten all of them into it, and now the whole family couldn't get enough of it. Everyone expect Esme and Carlisle, I would write Esme and Carlisle in here too but…I don't feel like it.

…Anyway! Alice kept reading on eagerly. She couldn't help but think of her adopted brother, Edward while reading this. Edward Elric…and Edward Cullen. They both had the same name.

"Where is Edward anyway?" She asked herself for the seventh million time. But again, she put it off cause she could care less. "I wish I could go to Amestris and meet this Fullmetal, that would be so cool…and to bite him and turn him into a vampire so that Carlisle had no choice but to adopt him into our coven." She rumbled on…and yes, coven is for witches…don't ask. It was in the book!

.

Back at Amestris, Edward was on Alphonse's back for some odd reason. He kept sniffing his armor. "What are you doing!" Al screamed,

"I'm trying to see if I can find a loophole into my logic of only smelling blood from a human body, or seeing if my Gary-Stu abilities will give me a new awesome power that can allow me to smell blood, even if you don't have any." Edward pressed his cold, hard nose against Al's cold, hard armor.

"Brother, make him stop!…It's creepy." Ed glared at Edward, and Edward waved to him with a big grin on his face.

"Get down," Ed ordered,

"Yes, anything for you my precious and beautiful ant."

"FFFFF- Quit calling me that!"

"But…I love you."

"Fuck off."

"No!" Ed opened his mouth to say something else, but closed it back, this pale and sparkly dude was as stubborn as he was.

"Ed." Edward said, his voice firm, "You've got to stop this, you can't tell me what to do for I am the man in this relationship and the man gets to decided everything!"

"…" Ed turned to him, frowning. "That sounded completely sexist…and I'm a _guy_."

"…Yeah, I know." Edward pouted like a little boy again, "I still get all the say in this relationship though."

"We aren't in a relationship! We'll never be! Do I have to spell the whole thing out for you. I. Hate. You-" Ed was cut off, as the most oddest thing happened…quite odd indeed. A small woman fell from the sky, and fell on top of our Ed.

"Ow…" She groaned, "Maybe baseball isn't such a good thing anymore, that ball hit me really good…"

"Baseball!" Edward hissed, "Wow…I love baseball, but I'm thinking about switching to basketball, and taking a career in rapping, Eminem said I was good -"

"Edward?" The small girl looked up, "Oh my god, so this is where you have been!…Damn, I thought we got rid of you for good."

"Love you too, Alice." He said, sarcastically. Yes, Alice Cullen. There was Alice Cullen, and bellow her was Ed Elric.

"No seriously, these last few days without you has been really great! No longer doing you dirty work and kidnapping Bella, having to deal with the damn Volturi, and I got introduced to a really great new show and manga!" She stood up, not really noticing Ed or Al. She skipped toward her adoptive brother. "Fullmetal Alchemist, ever heard of it?" She smiled, and Edward tapped his chin, thinking.

"I…think so, it sounds sooooo familiar, but where can I have- OH! I know, that's my boyfriend's alias!"

"Boyfriend?" A puzzled look flushed over Alice's face. "But what about Bell- Wait! Did you just say that your boyfriend was the Fullmetal Alchemist!?"

"Yeah," Edward nodded, "He's right over there, dusting the dirt off of him since you fell on him." Alice slowly turned to the small blonde boy, who really was dusting himself off, not only that, he looked confused and angry, probably cause Alice fell on him. Then that's when Alice screamed like a fangirl.

"Oh my gosh, I knew you were real, I knew this place existed and everything~!" Alice ran up to Ed, glomping him, and it resulted in them falling onto the ground again.

"Aliiceee~!" Edward whined, "Get off of him!"

"No way," Alice sat up, and still had Ed wrapped around her arms, so she brought him up with her. "I finally get to meet Ed Elric, and I have lots of questions." Still not letting him go, she began to ask. "What's your favorite color? Do you like shoes? Where's Roy Mustang? Are you going to finally end up with Winry in end? How's your search for the Philosopher's stone going? Has anyone ever confused Al for a robot? Has anyone ever confused _you_ for a robot? Can I touch your automail? If I cut off my own arm, could I have one too? If so, would you want to touch it?" Alice babbled on and on, Ed just stared at her. He would run away…but again, Alice had him pinned down. "Do you like tacos? Would you like me to make you some one day? How's the weather? Why don't you drink your milk? Can I pet you? Why shoot the sheriff yet not shoot the deputy?"

"I-I don't know, please let go of me!"

Alice obeyed, she realized the small boy from her arms, and stood up. "I'm sorry, Mr. Elric, Er…could I call you Ed?"

"Whatever." Ed dusted the dirt off himself once again,

"Yay!"

From afar, Edward was getting grumpy because Alice was hogging Ed. He pouted that same pout that made him look like a little boy. "Stupid Alice…" He mumbled, Al chuckled. "It's not funny, Al! Alice is suffocating Ed and not letting him have any space, that is a problem!" Hehe, Irony.

"So Ed…" Alice was trying to hold in the urge to glomp him again. "Why am I here?…and why is my adopted brother, Edward here too?"

"Adopted brother?" Ed raised his eyebrow, turning back to Edward, then to Alice. "You're…Alice Cullen?" and the spunky vampixie squealed.

"You know my name~!" She giggled,

"Yeah…I read your book, Twilight, and to me, you seemed like one of the decent characters." He was beginning to re-think that.

"Oooh~! I'm from a _book_?" Alice stood there, her eyes wide, didn't really know what to say. "That explains a lot, but you are from a book too! Well…a graphic novel, but still!"

"I'm part of a…book?" Ed asked, even more confused than he was before, like with Alice falling and everything, and yeah.

"Yup, and a show, and you have lots of fans." Alice nodded remembering that she would go online, and read some hilarious fanfiction on . It was fun. "I even drew you, see?" Alice pulled out a folded up piece of paper, she opened it up to reveal a drawing of a stick figure, with a antenna, and a little braid.

"Alice, that's enough, leave Ed alone." Edward said, placing his hands on his non-sister's shoulders. "Also, that's a god-awful drawing! Be a little better next time." Alice pouted, then stick out her tongue at him.

"Bet you can't do better anyway!" Alice placed the drawing back into her pocket, turning back to Ed. "Wow, it's so weird, just a couple of hours ago I was saying how I would love to meet you." She smiled, "and turn you into one of us."

Ed blinked, he wasn't so sure he caught that last part right. "…what?" He asked,

"I said, I would love for you to become a vampire like us, you get to be beautiful, live forever, and be beautiful! …Did I mention you get to be beautiful?" Ed blinked again, Al would've blinked if he had any eyelids.

"Erm, uh…tempting offer." Not really, no way in hell was Ed going to become one of _them._ "But…I really shouldn't."

"But Alice has a great idea!" Edward jumped up and down, running toward the three. "You can become one of us and for sure we can marry each other!"

"Ok, for sure, I _don't_ want to be a 'vampire', if that's what you call yourselves."

"We have to, the author of our book wrote it that way."

"Come on~!" Alice wrapped her arms around Ed, only to be pushed away from Edward, and he wrapped his arms around Ed too.

"Yes, join and become one of us, I'm sure we can fit Al in somehow!"

"NO!" Ed pried off Edward's arms away from him, running away, Al following behind.

"No, wait! Please come back!" Both Edward and Alice shouted to the brothers, and they began chasing after them, a similar chase from a few chapters ago between Ed and Edward, if you remember…

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading. Thanks for reviewing. You can review or not, but I would appreciate some. Still, optional. Also, yes, I placed in Alice! The answer of the mystery of how the Twilight characters ended up in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe is coming…and I'll mention it soon, in a chapter and such. Ok bye!


	13. A sibling fight and meeting Jacob

Author's Note: I'm wondering why this hasn't butt-hurt any hardcore Twilight fans yet? I was thinking about posting a link to that official Twilight saga(lolwut)site and see if I can score in some flames from there. Well enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

All this chasing had Ed…chagrined. It's been going on for hours and he and Al were now hiding behind some random store near-by.

"Brother! The Cullens are crazy." Al whimpered,

"I know, Al…" Ed peered behind the building they hiding behind, he could barely just spot both Alice and Edward running, looking for him and his brother.

"Can you see them?" Alice asked, looking inside a trashcan, only to find some weird raccoon eating all the rotten apple cores.

"No." Edward pouted sadly, then his expression turned into a angry frown. "This is all your fault!" He sneered,

"What!?" Alice yelled, "How could this be _my _fault!?"

"Ed ran away because of you!" Edward broke down into tears like a pathetic little emo. "My boyfriend ran away cause of you!" He sobbed.

"He did not!" Alice tried her best to ignore her adoptive brother's crying, it wasn't a pretty sight. "You were acting just crazy."

"Lies, all lies!"

"No lies, you scared him off too!" From afar, Ed was grateful, yet at the same time surprised that Alice caught on faster than Edward did.

"Shut up Alice, you're sooo annoying." Edward huffed, "'Oooh~! Lookie me, I'm Alice, and I can see into the future, even though sometimes my predictions don't usually come true, so I'm mostly useless~!'"

"I'm not useless!" Alice screamed, "Not as much as that stupid girlfriend of yours."

"Which is why I dumped her for someone who was useful, and he ran away cause of you!"

"He didn't run away cause of me!"

"Did too!"

"Did not~!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID- er…you know what!?" Alice pounced on Edward, the both of them falling on the ground.

"Ow! Get off of me!" Edward yelled, as Alice clawed at his face. Then that's when Edward threw her off, and began to yank her by her hair. "Look at what you did to my beautiful face!" He screamed. Random pedestrians came and watched the fight, betting and enjoying it.

"Ouch! My hair!" Alice kicked Edward in the gut, and thanks to her super vampixie strength, it did quite the damage. Edward let go of Alice, clenching his stomach, feeling almost all the wind knock out of him.

"Haha!" Alice had the upper hand, she tackled Edward, holding him with the choke hold. "Take that you! Who's fault is it now!? WHO'S FAULT IS IT NOW!?!?"

"N-no fair!" Edward choked, "You cheated!"

The crowd who was watching cheered, Ed and Al were quietly watching from afar, sighing deeply. "Come on," Ed said, grabbing Al's huge metallic arm. "Let's get out of here."

"Brother…we can't.""What do you mean we can't!?" Ed hissed in disbelief. "This is our perfect chance to get as far away from those freaks as possible!"

"Brother, we have to stop Alice and Edward from completely tearing each other apart, they have that super vampire strength, they could really hurt each other."

"That's absurd!" Ed scoffed, "These guys can't die, you need to rip them apart, then set them on fire- " but then Ed was interrupted by Edward shouting. "Ow, ow! My arm, I think it's coming off!" The brothers quickly glace over to the fighting Cullens, and it was true. Alice was yanking Edward's left arm, almost completely pulling the whole thing out of his sleeve.

Alphonse glanced at Ed, but seeing how he's just a suit of armor, Ed couldn't quite see his expression, but he knew what he wanted…

"No, Al! We can't…they'll just bother us again!"

"Brother, she's hurting him!"

"He'll be fine!"

"Just this once?"

"No, we are finally getting rid of him and I want it to stay this way- "

"YO! What are you guys arguing about?"

The Elric brothers jumped by the sudden 'yo' that interrupted the two. They look back, to see some weird guy, with black hair, his skin was quite tan too. Must've gotten a lot of sun.

"Haha," The weird guy laughed and walked up to the brothers, "I was on my way back to see my precious little girl when I saw you guys here." The guy grinned,

"…Who are you?" Ed asked, frowning, suspicious of the guy's strange friendly behavior, wasn't even going to ask on the 'little girl' part.

"I'm Jacob, Jacob Black. Most call me Jake though, and you?" But the brothers didn't have time to answer, for Edward screamed at the top of his lungs: "AHA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, ALICE!!?"

"Oh crap." Ed mumbled, "Hold on…er, Jake." Ed ran from behind the building, Al followed behind, he was feeling rather victorious seeing how got through Ed and now the two of them are going to stop Alice and Edward from fighting.

"Ow, ow~!" Alice whined, Edward was pulling her ears, anymore and they could come clean off.

"Hey!" Ed yelled, "Enough you two!" Edward looked up from his ear-pulling, a expression of mega happiness washed over him.

"Ed!" He cooed, dropping Alice, and running up to the small boy. "Ed, I thought you left me for good, and that you never would've come back, but you did!" Edward grinned like a big goof, "I'm so happy." He wrapped his arms around the small boy, almost breaking every bone in his body.

"Edward, let go of him!" Alice barked, slapping Edward's back. "You're hurting him!"

"Shut it, Alice, you…" Edward trailed off, not finishing his sentence. He dropped the smaller boy, who was gasping for air, seeing how the sparklepire almost squeezed his breath out of his lungs. Edward walked forward. "…Jacob?" He said, squinting his eyes, as if Jacob was a really small ant that he could not see, or as if he had a eye problem and needs glasses. "Jacob, is that you?"

"Edward…Edward Cullen." The two stared at each other. There they stood - Vampire and Werewolf. Sparklepire and Pedowolf. Just staring at each other…

"…I never knew you were here also."

"I never knew you were here either." More staring…

"Bella is here too." said Edward,

"Oh shit! Really?" Jacob got all wide-eyed. "Damn…how am I gonna tell her that I'm not in love with her anymore and found someone new…?" He mumbled to himself, but anyone can over-hear it, Edward did.

"Wow, no way! You don't love Bella either!?"

"You don't love her?"

"No! I'm over her, I've found someone new." Edward placed his hand on Ed's shoulder. Ed didn't even bother to say anything, he knew it was pointless, Edward was just going to ignore him and think whatever he wants, being the stubborn fuck he was. Ed did however, swat Edward's hand away from his shoulder, and walked to where Al and Alice stood.

"So you're in love with someone who's…" Jacob looked at Ed, then back at Edward. "Small?"

Cue anime vain-pop and a short rant. "What!?" Ed screamed, about to charge at Jacob but Al held him back. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT, THAT HE HAS TO TAKE A ELEVATOR TO CLIMB ONE STAIR!!?" Cookies for you if you get the reference, shouldn't be too hard to figure out.

"Chill." Jacob said, "I didn't say all that stuff."

"Don't anger him, Jacob." said Edward, "Besides, I like him small." Edward smiled like a big goof again, waving at Ed, and Ed wished he could give him the bird but Al was still holding onto his arms.

"He's so cute when he's angry," Edward sighed, and it almost seemed like he was Bella for a minute, with the whole 'he's sooo beautiful' thing.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…" Ed mumbled under his breath, Alice could hear it.

"Don't worry." Alice whispered to Ed, "He's like this. It must have rubbed off from Bella, she did try to kill herself after all…then she was very horny back when they were engaged and then they do get married and -" Alice stopped mid-sentence. "…None of this has happened yet." She said, "How do I know all of this though?"

"More importantly, how did you get here." said Al, he had let go of his brother, since he has finally calmed down.

"Erm…" Alice rubbed the back of her head, then winced. "Ow…have a big bump. Anyway, I was playing baseball, then all of a sudden, I just black-out! The next thing I know, I'm on top of Ed here…"

"Hey!" Edward said, when he was done with his eavesdropping. "Could've that happened to me?" He rubbed a similar bump on his own head, but he had no idea where he had gotten it from. "If I did get knocked on my head, then it must've been pretty hard, cause I don't remember anything." Edward turned to Jacob, who seemed to be his new buddy now since they agree that they both don't share romantic feelings for Bella anymore. "How'd you end up here?"

"Well…" Jacob bit his lip, "I was about to jump the cliff, cause Bella left me - don't need to worry about it anymore though, since I don't love her like that anymore - when something hit me…right on the back of my head. Next thing I knew I'm lying on the street and I'm brought in to help a couple of state alchemists!"

"State alchemist?" Ed said, "You know work for them?"

"Yeah, I do, do you know any of those alchemists?" Ed brought out his sliver pocket watch, showing it to Jacob.

"Bitchin', you one of them too? Awesome, I want to be one, but I don't know any alchemy."

"So…" Alice cleared her throat, so that everyone turned their attention to her. She quickly changed the subject back to what it was originally. "Jacob was hit over the head…so was I…and possibly Edward…could being hit in the head have something to do with us arriving at this place?" The group stood silent, wondering if this was the answer to their mystery.

* * *

Author's Note: CLIFFHANGER!…ahahaha…or not? I don't know, I'm not good at cliffhangers. Anywayz, donate and buy my book at: thiswebsitedoesnotexist(dot)com  
Needs mo' money to buy manga D:


	14. The bad guys unite

Author's Note: Erm…still no flames…should I be happy or…? Whatever. I'm just getting into Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. It's really good so far! I like a couple of things, and a few things were a bit rushed in the beginning, but that's just how I felt, I still liked it, and since it's being based on the manga mostly, I'm really excited. Enjoy this chapter.

* * *

The Cullens were getting suspicious, Edward was gone, Bella was gone, they just found out Jacob was gone, and Alice suddenly disappeared too.

Jasper sighed, feeling sad that his love was gone. He didn't really care about Edward and Bella, or Jacob for that matter, but now he someone he actually cared about was gone. He was very depressed, as he quietly sat on the floor of Alice's room…cause…it's suppose to be romantic or something like that, but yeah…

"Wonder where she could've went." said Rosalie, quietly entering the room. "Come on, Jasper, lighten up!"

"I can't!" Jasper yelled, "I…miss her too much. Emmett claimed that she was right there, when they were playing baseball…then boom! She's gone!" Jasper felt like crying, Rosalie comforted him.

"Oh, I'm sure, unlike Edward, we'll be able to find Alice.""Really?"

"Really! Now come on." Rosalie scooped up Jasper's hand into her. "Let's go hunt for some rabbits."

"Yay! I love rabbits." They were Jasper's favorite.

.

It was dark and stormy back at Central City, and Edward was frighten. "Ahhh!" He screamed like a little girl as the thunder roared in the heavens.

"It's just thunder…" Ed grumbled,

"I know…but it's scary." A few drops of rain began to fall from the dark grey, cloudy sky.

"Oh, looks like it's finally raining." Jacob said, "I knew it was going to somehow, it always does at Forks,"

"Then when it's sunny, we sparkle!" Alice giggled, "But now we don't since there's no sun." She pouted playfully. She was just happy to be next to her favorite Fullmetal Alchemist character(well no her favorite was Envy, and she often wondered if she would get to see him and maybe a epic battle between him and Ed, that would be great!)

Ed was getting a bit annoyed by the fact that he had three Twilight characters following him now. Alice and Edward clanged to him like puppies, and Jacob was just strange. He just wanted them to go back, go back and leave him alone!

…

Hitting them in the head? Each and every one of them ended up here by being hit in the head…

All Ed had to do is catch them all off guard, hit them over the head with something hard, and they are gone. He was free, free from the book that is Twilight!

But the real question was: how? How was he going to do this, and how was he going to catch all three of them off guard to do it?

.

"Why what a weird place this is…" said Aro, and if you don't know who he is, he's part of the Volturi. Along with him was Jane, that creepy little evil girl. Cause everything needs a creepy little girl who is evil. The two were stuck in a place that was completely pitch black and they couldn't see much around them.

Jane walked close to Aro, her master or whatever, they were walking along the empty streets.

"Could we go torture people~!" Jane asked, in that cute yet scary little girl voice, the kind you see in crappy re-makes of scary movies.

"No, I like this place, I might try to take it over!" Aro got a crazy look in his eye, he always thought it made him look attractive. "But first I need to find out what this place is exactly…" then the two heard a 'pssst' noise.

"Huh?"

"Is it a snake?" said Jane, with a gleam in her eyes. "I love snakes! They bite people…" She giggled,

"Quiet Dear one…Jane…you." Aro turned to where the 'psst' sound was coming from.

"Psst, over here!" The two evil vampires followed the sound of the 'pssting' and the two came upon a man, who was behind bars, his long black hair all over his face, he was wearing some white clothing, like pajamas. "Who are you?" The man asked Aro and Jane, and the two vampires just looked at each other, than back at him. They didn't really know if they could trust -

"I'm Jane! This is Aro, and he's the leader of the Volturi!"

"Dammit Jane! Don't tell him that…he could be…evil!"

"Aren't we evil?"

"Oh yeah."

The two turned back to the prisoner. "I am Aro, the leader of the Volturi, I crave power, this is Jane, a little girl who loves to inflict pain on people." Jane smiled innocently, and fluttered her eyelashes like a angel would. "Who might you be?"

"Zolf J. Kimbly," said the man, he had a smile on his face, "How did you get pass the guards?"

"Oh, so that was a guard?" said Aro, "I was getting kind of hungry, and well…heheh." The two evil vampires laughed, and Kimbly just blinked. Eat?…what could they mean by eat? Were these cannibals or…did it matter? Kimbly saw them as his ticket free from this place.

"Listen…since you two seem to know how to get pass the guards, how bout you help me out of here." Kimbly faked a friendly smile to two.

As for Aro and Jane, they just exchanged each other looks, thought about it, and thought 'why not?' if he was evil, it was alright, because he seemed evil, and they were evil, and evil people gotta stick together.

Aro broke the bars with his vampire strength, and Jane broke the wooden plank that held Kimbly's hands together, like handcuffs. Kimbly, a bit stunned by the strength they had, stood up straight, dusting his clothes off.

Aro and Jane both stood there, expecting some kind of reward from Kimbly.

"Hm?" Kimbly frowned, "Oh! Uh…thank you, I'll be on my way." As Kimbly proceeded his way, he was happy he was going to be able blow stuff up again, how he missed that. Now that his hands were free, he could perform this alchemy to help him escape the guards.

…But that's just it. All the guards were already dead.

Kimbly examined one body of a dead guard, who was laying face down. There were bite marks on his neck.

"We were really hungry," said Aro, then he and Jane smiled innocently, as if what they did was not wrong at all. Kimbly just eyed them.

"Hm…" He said, but decided that it was alright, he could always try to blow up someone else later, he needed to get out, get a new fresh change of clothes and be out of here!

Kimbly continued his way out…and Aro and Jane followed.

.

"My beautiful hair is getting soaking wet!" Alice shouted, but she didn't care, she loved getting wet in the rain. Granted her cute clothes would get ruined…but it was alright, she will just buy her more, they had the money. She was having fun, getting wet, and running around the icy raindrops that fell upon her and her head, when - "!!" Alice gasped, she tried to stop right in her tracks, but seeing how there's a ton of water everywhere, she slipped and fell on her bottom instead. She didn't care. This was serious. So, expensive jeans full of mud, she ran back to restaurant where Ed and Edward were at.

.

"Nah, man…you rawk!"

"Nah! YOU!"No you!"

"NO YOU!"

"Dammit, Jacob - hic- I already said you do!""Oh…ok." At the restaurant, Jacob and Edward had used their fake to score in a couple of drinks, sure vampires can't eat…but even Edward Cullen had his limits.

Speaking of limits, the werewolf and the vampire continued their beer chug.

"D'awww…you won again, Jacob." said Edward, slurred and hiccupping.

"We share prize, yes?" Jacob ordered a re-fill, and Edward cheered, then fell out of his chair, then got back up and two were laughing.

Ed and Al just watched them from a table near-by the bar, Al laughed heart-warmly, to see a werewolf and a vampire be friends without tearing each other apart was quite the sight, especially since many tend to make them seem like these enemies that can't stand each other

Why can't we all just get along?

"Guys, guys!" Alice ran in, damp and covered in mud from the waist down. She was so wet that her clothes stuck to her body, but that didn't matter now, not to Alice anyway. "I have bad news! Where's Edward?"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!" Edward um…said? He didn't really sound like he was saying anything, but doing a strange imitation of a retarded bird who smoked too much pot. If Alice was anime, she would cue the anime sweat drop.

"Damn it, Edward, this is serious." Alice just shook her head, and turned to Ed. "If you have read our book, you should know about the bad guys, right?"

"James? Yeah…he sounds cool." Ed chuckled, while eating his food."No!" Alice shouted, slamming her palms against the table, it made Ed and Al jump. "It's not James…it's the Volturi!"

"…The who now?"

"Ed, I thought you claimed to have read Twilight!"

"I did! I never read about no Volturi though…"

"Did you read New Moon?"

"Hell no, I could only stomach down _one_ book of those goddamn series."

"…Oh no." Alice sighed, she really hated the fact that Edward was drunk as hell, with Jacob, she could use some backup right now. "…What's wrong? Are they bad guys too?"

"Yes…and they are here." Alice pulled out a chair, sitting next to the Elric brothers. "I had a vision, Aro and Jane have teamed up…with Kimbly."

There was silence…till Edward and Jacob started puking, now, there was silence, and sounds of hurling.

* * *

Author's Note: Hooray, I've decided to use mahi101's idea! Yup, I've decided to place in the bad guys now…Also, I might act a bit OOC with Kimbly seeing how…I don't know, I'm not good at portraying his personality right. Also, is it Kimbly or Kimblee? I'veseen it spelled two ways …oh well! Thanks for reading.


	15. Reverse

Author's Note: Ok, not I'm really confused. Is it Kimbly, Kimblee…or Kimbley? …Erm…I'll just go with Kimbly for now. Thanks for the reviews, and sticking with my story! You people rock! XD  
Also, short chapter cause...I suck. ENJOY!

* * *

"Dammit…" Edward sighed, "I bet you Aro is here to eat Ed and his brother, but I won't let them! No sir, now way -"

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Jacob asked, near the entrance of the public bathroom. He opened the door slightly to peek at a Edward Cullen who happened to be standing in front of the mirror, and yelling at it.

"Talking to myself."

"…Why?"

"Because I don't even friendssss!" Edward sobbed, getting all emo again.

"You do, you have tons!"

"No, I only bought those friends, I don't know have any _real_ friends."

"Well…you are pretty annoying." Jacob laughed,

"Yes I know." Edward turned away from Jacob, his back to him. "See that mirror there?" He pointed at a bunch of broken pieces of what used to be a mirror on the bathroom floor.

"…Yeah."

"I punched it cause after a few minutes of talking to myself, I annoyed myself and so I punch the mirror."

"…"

"…"

Cue the awkward silence.

.

"You're having a bad day…here eat the rest of my soup." Alice offered,

"Well of course I'm having a bad day, a gang of pussy vampires, and someone dangerous is going to team up…not sure whatever it's a good thing or a bad thing." Ed mumbled, dining in the Inn's restaurant. "I also thought you couldn't eat."

"Oop- blah!" Alice threw up all the human food she was eating, onto the table, Ed wasn't so hungry anymore. "Oh…it's ok." Alice said, wiping some vomit from the corner of her mouth. "I do that sometimes…I miss human food." She sighed, pouting. "Being a vampire, vampixie…sparklepire…whatever I am! It really sucks you know!"

"Then why do you want me to turn into one of you?" Ed asked, a bit coldly.

"Because I don't like our current Edward, and you seem much better than him, the rest of the Cullens seem to have agreed with me too."

"Really?" Ed said, "Even Esmé?"

"Oh, Esmé barely says much…but yes."

There was a bit of silence between the two, just like there was silence between Jacob and Edward in the bathroom, and where the hell was Alphonse!?

"You shut up!!" Someone had screamed, making everyone in the restaurant jump. They jumped more when a chunk of broken mirror flew out of the bathroom, crushing onto the floor, making a dozen more little broken mirrors. "See!?" Edward growled, stomping out of the bathroom with Jacob, and pointing at all the shards of the mirror. "I hate that guy!"

Everyone secretly snickered at his stupidity.

.

"Any particular reason you keep following me?" Kimbly asked the two vampires, indeed have been following him for the past few hours, and just now he was asking.

"We are lost…" Aro lied, somewhat…the thing was he and Jane were lost, but they still needed a excuse to follow Kimbly around. He was so deliciously evil, it made him giggle like a schoolgirl, which he did sometimes, and it even freaked Jane out. "We don't know anyone else here but you."

Kimbly frowned a bit, it was annoying him how much these two were following him. But a fake smile quickly formed on his face.

"Aro and Jane, did you say your names were?" The two nodded, "Well…Aro and Jane, thank you for saving me from the guards…" Kimbly flexed his hands, flashing the alchemy transmutation circle in one of his hands. "But I don't think I will be needing you any further." Already missing the blood splattering explosions, his gaze turned to Jane…she will do nicely. Kimbly ran up, raising his arm, ready to press it down on the little girl's head exploding her little body, and making it shower gore, guts, and blood…how he loved that.

"What are you doing?" Aro asked, blinking a few times.

"What do you mean 'What are - …huh?" Kimbly felt a pair of strong hands stop his hand, looking down, he realized it was Jane. She had stopped him so quickly…

Jane stood there, holding onto Kimbly's hand, with her small ones. They looked delicate, but her grip was strong enough to break poor Kimbly's bones. How embarrassing. A little girl being stronger than you…

Poor Kimbly.

"We can't be killed so easily…" Aro said, with a evil smile on his face. "We are vampires."

"…Vampires." Kimbly stared at the two with a blank expression on his face.

"Why is he not impressed!?" Aro sneered, and bend down to whisper to Jane. "I don't know." Jane shrugged, "He should be…should we eat him?"

"Nooooo."

"Oh, Aro, just cause you have a crush on him- "

"I do not! I just…find him very interesting -"

"Excuse me!" The two vampires quickly stopped arguing, and they turned around to face Kimbly. The two forced a grin on their faces to show that there was nothing wrong, when clearly there were a million things wrong. "Are you two quite done?" Kimbly was itching to make things explode…mostly people.

"Yes." Aro said, nodding his head so fast it could've flown off his neck, and Jane continued to stare at him as if there was something seriously wrong with him…as if some great outside force was controlling all of them and making them do stupid things…heheheh…

"Vampires, huh?" Kimbly asked, carefully eyeing the two. "Explains what you were talking about before…"

"Can we eat you?" asked Jane, and Kimbly merely just glared at her. "Stop looking at me like that!…I was only kidding." Jane pouted, and Kimbly had his 'I am not amused' face on. Jane got teary-eyed like any normal little girl would get, expect she's not that normal. "Don't get me angry!…You wouldn't like me when I'm angry…"

_Now she's quoting Bruce Banner?! What is wrong with her…? _Aro thought, while Jane give Kimbly what I like to call…The Death Glare!

"Ruh-Roh." said Aro, quoting Scooby Doo for some reason. Kimbly's glare melted into a confusion, and it soon turned into horror.

"Wh-what…?" Kimbly blinked, then screamed, then blinked some more, then held his chest as if Kira had written his name down in the Death Note and now he was dying. "What are you doing to me!?" He growled, and Jane fluttered her eye-lashes like a innocent angel that was totally not doing anything wrong.

Kimbly, at that moment, with the every little bit of strength he had left, grabbed Jane's wrist, yanking her forward.

"Whee--AH!" Kimbly slapped her, and she fell onto the ground. He had his rape face--er …his murder face on.

"Maybe I _will_ get to see some blood splatter now." He said, a evil, devious smirk on his face.

.

"Oooh…butterfly~!" Edward looked in awe as a blue butterfly flattered away, he followed it. Ed realized this…

Edward, off guard…

Busy watching some little butterfly, to Ed's right, and to his left, he spotted a rock. A rock big and hard enough to knock someone out, when hit over the head with it.

_I can get rid of him this way._ Ed said, and he didn't have to worry about Edward reading his thoughts, cause he couldn't read them, and he was too busy trying to catch the butterfly like a little kid anyway.

Grabbing the rock, Ed slowly crept up toward Edward…his automail hand gripping the rock tight. Slowly…

"Ohh, Hi Mr. Butterfly." said Edward, as the butterfly landed on his cold, sparkly finger. "I shall call you Roger. Would you like to be my friend, Roger?…Roger…Roger?…OH NO, not again! He froze! Damn my cold and hard skin."

Ed lifted the rock over his head, ready to slam it down on Cullen's head--

"Oh no you don't!" Edward flashed behind the small blonde boy, thanks to his super speed, grabbing the rock and smashing it over Ed's head. "…Oh! Ed, I'm sorry, it's just that I thought you were some evil dooer who was going to steal my frozen butterfly when…Ed?" The other Edward laid on his back, unconscious.

"…Edddd~?" Edward grabbed a stick near-by, poking Ed's cheek with it. "Wake up."

Then, out of nowhere, a could of think white smoke appeared where the smaller Ed was, and poof! He was gone.

"HOLY CRAP!!!" Edward screamed at the top of his lungs, "Where'd he go?" He stood there, staring at the spot where Ed's body laid once, as if the answer would come to him that way.

* * *

Author's Note: Hello all, I'll admit, I rushed through this without proofreading or checking for much errors, so forgive me if there is, it just shows that laziness can totally make you into a bad writer. Anyway, the next chapter might take longer…if not then-- Yay! But seriously, I'm starting to slow down with this…I'm running out of ideas! Plus, I'm working on other stuff, but I promise that this fanfiction will come to a end, and a funny one. Thanks for reading!


	16. Crying Mary Sue

Author's Note: *read back last chapter* Goddamn me and my mistakes! *bashes head against the wall* Alright, next chapter, and yes…most of you guessed right, you'll see what I mean.  
Also, Screw Edward Cullen! Go Team Mike Newton, Team Tyler's Van, Team Edward Elric, and Team Taquitos...cause taquitos are good.

* * *

The small blonde boy groaned, geez what a hit. "Where am I?" Ed mumbled, slowly getting up from the cold, gray, cement sidewalk.

"Hey, hello!--"

"AHH!"

"OH MY GOD, AHH!" The two teenage boys screamed at each other, and ran around the place for about…ten minutes, then stopped.

"Sorry," said that teenage boy that scared Ed, "I'm Mike. Mike Newton." He flashed Ed a friendly smile, and Ed smiled back.

"Er…I'm Edward Elric."

"Edward. Ah, just like Edward Cullen." Mike said his name in disgust, but then turned back to Ed. _But…he's shorter._ Mike shook that thought out of his head, Edward Elric seemed to be nice anyway.(In this case, he should avoid the short comments for the future if he wants it to remain that way.)

"Mike…" Ed said, carefully eyeing him. _One of Bella's classmate who instantly fall in love with her…humph. Go Figure. _"Yeah, I've heard about you." Ed smiled,

"You…did?" Mike raised his eyebrow at Ed.

"Yeah, Bella told me about you."

"Wow, you know Bella Swan?" Mike grinned.

Ed mentally rolled his eyes, and said in a flat tone. "Yeah, I know her." Ed then shook his head, laughing. "She's annoying, how the hell do you put up with her!?"

Mike nervously bit his lip, and chuckled. "Well…she's pretty."

_The only reason why you are saying that is because the author is making you._ "I'm sure you would rather go for nicer girls," Ed said, "Like that Jessica girl."

"…Jessica?" Mike asked, blinking and a bit unsure.

"In my opinion, I find her far better than Bella, prettier too." Mike carefully looked down on the ground, deep in thought. Haha, mission accomplished.

"Take care, Mike." Ed smiled, patting Mike lightly on his back, and walking away.

"Sure. Thanks, Edward!" Mike called out to him.

"Please, call me Ed!" Ed smiled again, Mike returned it. "By the way…where am I?"

"In front of Forks High." Mike said, gesturing toward the high school in which they both stood in front. "School's about to start…are you a new student?"

"…Er…"

"If you are, I'll be more than happy to show you around!"

"No, no…that's fine." Ed blinked, _I just need to find my way back._

"Come on, it will be fun, and Bella's here too."

"Dammit, Mike, I already said-- …wait…what?"

.

It was true. Bella Swan was back. She hasn't changed. She was the same bratty girl she was, whiny and yet…everyone loved her. The only ones who hated her were girls who were jealous of her. Haha, Mary Sue, haha.

"…You!" Bella screamed, making everyone in the halls of Forks High jump. She had spotted Ed, in the halls with one of her plain, human friends, that being Mike Newton. "You boyfriend stealer you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Bella sobbed, tears falling down, and her group of friends comforting her.

Mike stepped up, about to do the same, but Ed stopped him at his tracks, shaking his head.

Ed turned to the crying Bella, who sobbed into her hands. "Listen up, I didn't steal him, the freak followed me, and won't leave me alone!"

"He's not a freak, he's a angel~! A beautiful angel who is beautiful and sexy and _beautiful!_"

"Shut the hell up about his beauty!" Ed screamed, "The guy is paler than you, and yet his lips are darker than yours! He looks like he wears fucking make-up!"

"But…he's beautiful!"

Ed face-palmed, literally, there was a red mark on his forehead. He turned toward Mike. "This." Ed said, "This is what you have a crush on. A whiny bitch who is selfish. Please do yourself a favor and date Jessica." He patted Mike behind the back again, walking away, leaving Bella screaming after him on how she's not a selfish and she can't help herself that she's so uber special.

.

Edward cried the same way Jasper was crying when he found that Alice was gone. Only this was because Ed Elric was gone.

"What did you do to him!?" Alphonse yelled, shaking Edward. "Where's my brother!?"

Edward was making a weird gargling noise, the same one Bella was making when she was being shook.

"I-I d-don't k-know." Edward stuttered, "I-I w-wish I-I k-k-knew!!" He cried, and Alphonse anime cried, and the two cried together, worried sick about their precious Ed.

Alice stood there, confused, while Jacob kept singing a ballad to himself in which he made for his one true love, Elysia.

.

"Come back here!" Bella growled, following Ed around the school, it really quite scared him.

"What do you want!?" Ed asked, feeling quite…or dare I say it? Chagrined.

"How dare you embarrass me like that in front of people who love me?!" Bella whined,

"Why not? They might as well see you for who you really are."

Bella screamed, high-pitched and loud. It busted many eardrums near-by.

"I am not a bad person! I…I…" But it was beginning to sound as if Bella was doubting herself now. In Ed's point of view, that was good.

"Bella, you are whiny, you are annoying, you are stubborn, shallow, and selfish." Ed came out with it, and Bella covered her ears, crouching down, and hugging her knees. "Noo…"

"Yes. And you know it too."

Bella silently whined like a little baby would do, to herself, throwing a tiny silent tantrum. Finally, she got up, wiping tears away from her eyes.

"Maybe this is why the family of homunculi hate me." Bella pouted,

"…Did you say homunculi?" Ed asked, his face expressionless.

Bella nodded. "The one with large breasts hit me over the head with the champagne bottle and I found myself back here."

"What were you doing with them!?" Ed had a pretty good idea of which homunculi she was talking about.

"Nothing!" Bella said, "I wanted to go look for my Eddiekins, but I was stuck with them, and the short little boy got angry at me for taking his cupcake--"

"Yeah, yeah." Ed waved his hand in front toward Bella, indicating that he could care less about those details.

"…Well they were also talking about using me to get to you."

"What?"

"I guess when I said I was looking for my boyfriend, Edward… they thought I meant you."

"WHAT!? I would never date such a whiny Mary Sue!"

"I would never date a idiot who is a boyfriend stealer! You…you big mean doo-doo head!"

Ed was going to pretend he didn't just hear that sorry excuse for a comeback. "Whatever…" He muttered, "I need to find a way to get--"

But little Ed was shortly interrupted by a high-pitch, loud ringing.

"The bell." Bella said, with a weird smile. "Time for class." Eagerly, she pulled Ed's hand, and took him to class. Oh goody…he actually had to go to classes and _learn._

_._

"Ed said that was the only way to get back."

"To be hit over the head?"

"Yeah…"

Alice, Edward, Jacob, and Alphonse stood together. They were huddled up together as if they were playing football, even if these guys preferred baseball.

"Wow…" said Edward, "I would've never guessed."

"So, this mean that your Edward is back of Washington?" Jacob asked,

"I guess so." Al said, quietly looking at his metal shoes.

"We have to go back to get him." Alice said, grabbing a rock the size of her palm. "Who wants to go first?"

"Not me," said Jacob, "I have to stay here…with my precious new girlfriend." Jacob flashed everyone a creepy, horny-schoolgirl like smile.

"Ooookkkk…"

"I wish I could go." Al said, "But I'm not sure it will work on me." He knocked his giant fist on his helmet.

"I'll go." insisted Alice, raising the rock up to the side of her head.

"No." Edward growled, "It was my fault. I'll go!" He snatched the rock from Alice's hands, and pushed her down on the ground. Rude.

"Good bye everyone, I'll remember you eventually." With that, Edward smashed the rock against his head. Hard.

It knocked him out completely, and with a cloud of white smoke, he was gone too.

"…"

"…"

"…"

Everyone went about their daily lives.

.

"Smart girl you are…" Kimbly mumbled, ruffling the hair of Jane. Jane giggled. "That sounds like a great plan, I think we'll get along just fine." He chuckled, and Jane giggled evilly. The two of them, laughing evilly.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Aro screamed with laughter, and both Kimbly and Jane turned to him, giving him weird looks, exchanging a couple to each other, then shaking their heads.

"…What? I didn't want to be left out!" Aro whined, but it was too late, the mood was already ruined.


	17. OBJECTION! Part 1

Author's Note: Blah…this took longer than I thought it would. I'm guessing its cause I have Writer's Block, my computer got busted, resulting in a new one…and school. Glorious school.

Anyway, thank you readers for…well, reading this! Also, to **The Spirit Alchemist**: No, haven't gotten any flames surprisingly, if anything, I've gotten Twilight Fans to laugh along with this. Hooray! That just means some know how to take a joke.

Anyway, here you go, enjoy this chapter that I've drummed up...

* * *

"Like this?"

"No, no, not like that—er, Bella! Watch it, you'll—"

"Oh hush you, I happen to be a perfect and smart little girl and I know what I am doing." So Bella ignored Ed's pleads, and poured the unknown chemicals into the beaker, mixing it with another unknown chemical, dooming everyone in the chemistry classroom. "Yup, see? No problem…oh wait…it's sizzling to the top! Ooh…is pouring down to my hand, kinda tickles. Oh lookie, Ed—it's burning the table!"

Ed face-palmed again, the red mark returned to the middle of his forehead.

.

Elysia was having a sleepover, just for her and her cute little friends. They all sat in the middle of the floor in her room, and were discussing her new friend.

"Frankie?" They questioned, and the little girl nodded.

"He's sweet, he came yesterday and climbed up my window to send me some chocolates." The group of little girls giggled, as they were giddy and witty about hearing Elysia's prince charming who was a pedophile and a werewolf. Oh my!

"He gave me this bracelet to…but for some reason, when ever daddy comes home, he runs away, I wonder why." The group of underage females sat in their little group, wondering the same thing, indeed. They kept giggling and teasing Elysia, saying that she has her very first boyfriend, but Elysia denied it, saying that they were nothing but friends. At least, that's how she saw it…

A rock lightly knocks against the cool glass of the window, catching every single girl's attention.

"That's him!" The group of girls were squealing and laughing in joy. Elysia ordered them to calm down and be silent, as she approached the window. "!! …That's not…" She said, her little eyes blinking in surprise.

"Pst! Let me in~!" hissed the stranger, who fluttered her eyelashes innocently, which pretty much fooled Elysia pretty quick, as she let the stranger in without any further questions.

"Who are you?" One of Elysia's friends asked as soon as the mysterious little stranger—female by the way—entered the room. The little strange girl just smiled at the other, her angelic face looking more innocent than ever. "I'm Jane." She said, smiling, showing her teeth. The rest of the room smiled back. "I've been meaning to meet you all, especially you." Her gaze fell upon the child who let her in the room in the first place, Elysia.

.

"Come on, new kid, let me copy your math homework!" whined a stereotype football player, who was hopelessly dumb cause he was a football player. "I'll give you my ho-ho at lunch."

Ed just rolled his shiny gold eyes at the begging jock, turning away, ignoring him as he walked off. It was Ed's first week her and already people were depending on him for things like homework and such. After all, he was already the top at math and science.

_Damn…these guys are seriously annoying. No wonder Bella hates everyone._ But then again, she only hated them cause she was a shallow bitch.

Speaking of shallow bitchiness…

"How dare you call me dumb!" Bella hissed at Ed, while he was gathering his things for his next class, which he really didn't plan to go to at all, maybe ditch this horrible place, had more important things to do anyway.

"Cause you are?" Ed asked, looking rather smug as he smirked at the air-head brunette.

"Am not! I'm really, really smart. Everyone keeps saying so."

"They say so cause they like to kiss your ass and act as if you are some perfect, prissy princess!"

"And that's a bad thing?" Ed was trying so hard not to smash the textbook toward Bella's face, trying oh-so hard.

"Yes! Not to mention you're so fucking blind…liking a freak like Edward."

"He's not a freak!" Bella protested, "He's…he's…He's—"

"Beautiful!" Ed finished for Bella, feeling irritated by her every minute by the minute. "He's so goddamn beautiful! Let me ask you this—Is it alright for a guy to abuse and control like Edward does as long as he _sparkles_ and looks handsome?"

"…yes."

"…"

"…" Ed sighed, "Of course _you_ would say that." Bella giggled nervously, Ed shook his head. Turning his back toward the naïve girl, his golden eyes set upon another set of golden eyes. "Speak of the Devil." He mumbled, the other tall and pale male strolled toward Ed and Bella, dazzling every one of his classmates with his dazzle powers(I.e. SPARKLES!) and no one found it strange that he could do that.

"He's right, Bella." Said the cold tone of Edward Cullen, his golden eyes fixed on the smaller Ed.

"Oh my gosh!~" Bella cooed, "My Edward, my Edward~!" But Edward ignored her, he stared at Ed, his expression was cold. There was a bit of blood on the side of his red-ish lips, probably had a snack before he came here.

"So…" Ed said, "You figured out how to get here, how nice." He mumbled this with bitter sarcasm, matched with a bitter smile. Edward didn't smile back though.

"Edward Elric…" He growled, and Ed showed no sign of being intimidated but he was a bit surprised. "You are a abusive boyfriend!"

"…What!?" Ed blinked, blinked, and blinked some more. If you don't get the point already, he was blinking. Duh. "How the hell could _I_ be abusive!?" He yelled,

"You just are." Edward said, "You keep putting me down, calling me names, and doing all this bunch of bullcrap, and I keep putting up with you."

"That's because you're a stalker and I keep trying to tell you that we _aren't_ together, and we I _don't _love you or anything. I hate you!"

"See! That's what I'm talking about! Abusive!"

"You're the abusive one here, not me!"

"Shut the hell up, Ed, and take this." Edward took out a rolled up paper from the pocket of his dirty, faded jeans. Unrolling it, he gave it to Ed.

"…" Ed quietly took the roll of paper into his hands, and silently read to himself. "!! Wh- you're suing me!?"

"That's right." Edward said, "I'm suing you for everything you got, because I was part of a unhealthy relationship in which you constantly abused me."

"You're full of shit, you know what!?"

"Oh Ed, Ed…" Edward chuckled, and smiled toward the smaller boy. "Be here by the end of school, the school consul has agreed to hold this case up for free because I am a cheap bastard."

"Whatever!" Ed crumpled up the subpoena in his hands, and threw it against Edward's head. The paperball bounced off his messy hair, and he just stood there as if nothing had hit him at all.

"So…" Bella said, blinking rapidly, and turning to Edward. "Does this mean we are back together again?" She smiled,

"Nope. You are still annoying and I can't stand you. But here, have this lollypop!" Edward took out a giant rainbow lollypop and gave it to Bella, smiling like a dork and walking away.

The Mary Sue stood there, in awe. So shocked that she didn't even notice when Edward came back and stole the lollypop back.

* * *

Author's Note: Would've written more…but yeah, I had more, the computer busted down…AGAIN. Got a new one, and I had to re-write this. But whatever. Thank you for reading.


	18. OBJECTION! Part 2

Author's Note: Yay, getting started on this sooner than I thought! W00t! Part 2 everyone, enjoy. What would happen if I were to get high while making this? This Chapter.

**Lillythemarshmellowqueen****:**OHAI, how are you??? :D  
Enjoy!

* * *

_I just want to get home_, _is that so hard? I just wanna get out of this crazy Twilight bullshit world and go back where vampires aren't these pussy imitation!_ Ed sighed, laying his head on top of the defendant desk, his attorney was late_. _Along Edward's lawyer, who was already right there, with him, sitting in the plaintiff seat.

"Thank you for coming, daddy." Edward said to the young-looking bleach blonde man, his adoptive father, Carlisle.

"Damn it, Edward, I told you I was a doctor, not a lawyer."

"Pleeeasseeee? I'm already paying you 20 bucks an hour!"

"Why should I need it? I'm a fucking doctor, for god sakes."

"Dadddddyyyy~!"

"Alright, alright. Quit your whining, Edward."

"Ok, daddy."

Meanwhile, Ed quietly sat down at the defendant side, wondering where the hell the lawyer the school is sending him is. "They're late…" He mumbled, "They're late, they're late, they are late! Dammit, whoever it is, they are really—"

Ed never had a chance to finish his sentence, for Tyler's van crushed into the student court room…and since when did they get their own court room?

"Holy fuck flies!" Carlisle yelled, in a totally OOC way, but it was ok, he's a hot vampire, he was allowed to be this way.

"FFFFF—it's Tyler." Edward growled, "Son of a bitch almost ran over that girl I used to love. Bessie, I think her name is…" But as Edward babbled on and on, everyone looked into the van, waiting for Tyler to come out and help out Ed…there was no Tyler. There was no driver, and the van just drove in on its own. Tyler's van was alive, and Tyler's van was Ed's lawyer.

.

"I swear it wasn't me!" Jacob screamed, cowering in the wall near HQ where they were interrogating him.

"Where's my daughter, you bastard!" Hughes yelled, grabbing Jacob by the collar of his shirt and shaking him. "She wasn't in her room that night, the window was open, it was you, wasn't it!?"

"N-no! I wasn't planning to kidnap her till next week!" Jacob sobbed into his hands, "Please Hughes, you gotta understand I would never do anything to hurt Elysia."

"If I find out it was you…" Hughes brought out his pistol, pointing it toward Jacob's nose.

"Believe me, Hughes, It wasn't me." Jacob explained, staring into the barrel of the gun.

"You better be right!"

Hughes left the frighten werewolf boy on the floor, and Jacob stared at all the passing working and busy people. Just leaving him there, sitting.

_Crap…Elysia was kidnapped…I have to find her._ Jacob lifted himself from the floor, dusting off his jeans. His shoulders broad, and his head held up high, he set out to seek help from the only people he could turn to right now. Alphonse and Alice.

.

"And that's why I enjoy oldies rock music." Edward explained to the student body, as they served as the jury duty in this case.

"…Mr. Cullen." Said the old judge,

"Yup?"

"What does any of this have to do with the case?"

"Uh…Oh yeah, Ed being an abusive bastard, right!" Edward cleared his throat, remaining seated next to the judge. He turned to the jury. "Friends and classmates, I have come to a very serious business issue here." He said, "I've meet and feel in love with a boy with the same name as me, but the thing was, he was very weird…like…he would _yell_ at me, be cruel, I pour my heart and soul for him and all he could do is be a insensitive bastard!"

Tyler's Van honked.

"Why are you shouting 'objection' to your own questioning?"

Tyler's Van honked again.

"Don't argue with me, Mr. Van, and sit down!"

Tyler's van did so. Meanwhile, Ed was looking glum, sweating a lot, and worrying to heck if he was going to lose because a _van_ was defending him. Tyler's Van pat Ed's back with its dirty tires, and honked. Since Ed had no idea what he was saying, he just smiled and nodded.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen, you may sit down." Edward did so, as he got off he flashed Ed a smug smirk and returned to his seat where his father sat.

"We're going to win this!! It's all thanks to you, Carlisle."

"I'm still getting paid for this, right?"

"Yeeesssssss~!"

Ed was up next. Slowly, he got up from his seat, dusting himself off. He took one good look around the room, spotting Mike, Jessica, and the rest of Bella's human friends sitting on his side, surprisingly. They gave him supporting smiles and waves. Predictably, Bella was sitting on Edward's side, throwing him kisses and girly waves in which Edward never paid attention to.

Ed took in a long deep breath, and let it out to make himself feel better.

"Do you promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth or so help you God?" asked the school's janitor, for some reason, they couldn't anyone better than him. The book he held up wasn't even a bible.

"Uh, sure." Ed cleared his throat, and quietly stepped up to the stand, Carlisle stood up as well, and pulled out a tiny piece of paper from his doctor's coat pocket, in which, for some reason, he was still wearing. He was lawyer right now, and not doctor, in case your small little mind didn't realize it by now.

"AHEM! Ok…" Carlisle studied the paper, "Okie Dokie. Mr. Elric, is it true that you called the Plaintiff, my son, a faggot?"

"Wha-NO! I never said that."

"Do you have any evidence that supports this?"

"N-no—"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, he has no evidence! I rest my case."

Tyler's Van honked.

"Overruled,"

The motor in Tyler's Van growled,

"Mr. Van, if you want to step out, be my guest, but we are in the court!"

Tyler's Van stayed quiet for now…

"Well I had a good reason for the way I treat Edward." Ed piped up, taking away the tension between Tyler's Van and the judge. "Because, for once, he stalks me." The court room gasped, "He's controlling, he's creepy, he's so infatuated, it's unhealthy…"

"NO! It's only because I love you!" Edward shouted

"See! That's what I'm talking about, I think there's something wrong with that guy, there's something wrong with his girlfriend too."

"Ooooh. That's me." Bella giggled, and everyone turned to glare at her.

"If anything, I think you should put these guys in a mental institution or something, there's gotta be something wrong with them…especially Bella." Everyone in the room agreed with this statement, yes, even Edward Cullen.

"Well, you're just a big meanie doo-doo head!" Bella sobbed, and ran out of the room crying. No one really cared.

"Anyway…" The judge said, and turned to Ed, "Continue."

"Gladly," Ed turned to the jury, "Don't you find it strange about a student that has been a senior, so many times?"

The whole student body, not just the jury, exchanged each other looks, murmurs and whispers.

"Also, ever notice that they're mostly outside when there's no sun, and never when there's a bright sunny day?" More looks, murmurs, and whispers. Edward and Carlisle looked terrified.

"NOOO!!" Edward roared loud enough that it made everyone jump. "Ed, you fool, what the fuck are you doing!?" But Ed just shrugged, not showing the least bit of fright from Edward's screams.

"Think of it this way, Cullen." He said, "It would finally give the book some edge, and some plot."

* * *

Author's Note: Ok, I don't know much about courts and lawyers and all this, so forgive me if I messed up a bit here… blargh. Also these stories are becoming much and much shorter, and from what I noticed, I added a side-story, just so you can see what's going on at Amestris too. Thanks for reading, and happy new year of school…blah.


	19. Sparklepire Hunt

Author's Note: Wow this actually reached over a 100 reviews, that's great! Thanks to all those who reviewed, read, faved, and everything.

* * *

"Where is my daughter!?" Jacob was cowering in the corner of a bakery shop; he was planning on getting some pastries for himself. Mae Hughes happened to be there. "She's missing, she was missing this whole night!?" He screamed at the young tan boy, everyone in the shop turning to watch the commotion.

"No, it wasn't me, Hughes! Honest! I wasn't even planning to kidnap her till next week." Hughes paid no attention to Jacob's further pleads; he grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and strangled him. "Listen up, you punk. If I find out that you're lying to me and hiding my little girl, I will kill you." The father's voice was scary, and almost demonic. This was Mae Hughes, after all. Don't mess with his little girl, or else.

"I swear, Hughes." Said Jacob, gulping down a huge lump that was lodged in his throat, "I have no idea what happened to Elysia. H-honest, I would never do anything to hurt her or—Ow!" Hughes hit Jacob over the head before he could finish his sentence. Before Jacob could do anything to convince Hughes that he wasn't a bad guy or anything, Hughes had already turned to his heel and left. Leaving Jacob whipped, and everyone else going on about their daily lives, eating donuts and all.

"Elysia was kidnapped?" Jacob said to himself, slowly picking himself up from the bakery's floor, and dusting himself off. "This can't be." He said, "Who could've token her!? What's worse…Hughes suspects me. I have to find her." But since he was stuck in this weird world, not knowing any other soul besides the ones that hate him right now, he could only turn to the only ones he hoped would help him. Alice and Alphonse.

.

"_Honk honk beep!"_

"Don't do it, other blonde, shorter Edward!"

Tensions were filling up the court room as Ed dared to shout out the Cullen's secret.

"I seriously don't see how the author can write people to be so…_stupid_." Ed got off the stand, walking toward the middle of the room so that everyone's attention was right on him. "Honestly," He turned to all the teachers and students that were around. "You never noticed how the Cullens mostly come out in rainy, cloudy days when the sun is hidden, hell, don't you ever notice anything strange about them when they are out in the sun!?"

"Oh yeah!" One of the Jury said, "They sweat so much when they are out in the sun, poor family, at least they still look good."

A smirk formed on the smaller Edward's face. "Too bad those aren't sweat." He said,

"Don't do it!" Carlisle shouted, it only made the whole room more curious and hungry for the truth.

In a cliché and corny way, Edward shot up from his seat and shouted at the top of his lungs, pumping his fists to the air. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" I swear, if you were there and could listen more closely, you would be able to hear sad music that made everything seem so…over-reacting.

Edward continued shouting "NO!" at the top of his lungs (All you can hear is the "OOOO" part, over and over again, he didn't even stop for a breath.) and shaking his fists, falling onto his knees. Ed decided to pretend he wasn't there and turn back to everyone.

"The Cullens are vampires." He said, and everyone gasped. Edward was still OOO-ing. "As unbelievable it sounds, especially since these vampires _sparkle_…" Ed continued, "The Cullens are vampires, and that's why they never age, and why Edward is still eighteen and a senior."

The whole room fell quiet, expect for the OOO-ing Edward, who was still OOO-ing. Besides Edward, everything else was quiet. Everyone in the room exchanging each other looks, and staring at the only two Cullens in the room. Carlisle scooted closer to Ed, "Maybe they don't mind." He whispered to the shorter boy, "Maybe, they won't judge us…oh other Ed, that's all I want. Is to be a part of this normal human world, maybe we don't have to hide anymore~! Maybe this was a good thing—"

"BURN THE VAMPIRES!!" Someone yelled, and there was now a vampire chase that was confused over a witch hunt.

.

"Please Alphonse, I'll promise to help you look for your brother if you help me."

"I don't know…" To Al, finding Ed and getting him back to Amestris was the most important goal right now. But it seemed like Jacob was desperate, and Elysia was missing…a little, innocent girl. "Are you sure it's Elysia who is missing?" Jacob rolled his eyes, "Mr. Hughes came up to me and threatened me to give him back his little girl…so yeah, I'm pretty sure she was kidnapped!"

"_Did_ you kidnap her?" Alphonse asked,

"No! I swear on my Native American ancestors' grave I did not kidnap Elysia."

Alphonse still wasn't sure if he should believe Jacob or not, he was still skeptical. Even though Al was nothing but metal, and his helmet never showed any expressions, Jacob knew exactly how he was feeling.

"Ask yourself this. Would I come to someone for help to find Elysia, if I had already kidnapped her myself? No! That's just stupid and something Edward would do."

"My brother?!"

"No, Edward Cullen."

"Oh…well ok, I guess I'll try to help you find Elysia, she is Hughes' daughter after all."

"You mean it!?" Jacob was filled with glee, and he pulled the hunk of metal into an awkward man-hug. "Thanks! I promise as soon as we find her, we can look for a way to bring Ed back. Now…where's Alice?"

"Right here!" Alphonse's helmet then flew off his shoulders, and a spunky female vampixie's head popped out.

"Alice!! My head!" Alphonse cried,

"Hehe, sorry." Alice giggled, with her head popping out of Alphonse's armor; it looked like as if she were the one wearing that huge hunk of metal. "I hear this Elysia girl is missing." She said,

"Yeah…Alphonse is going to help me, will you too?"

"Sure, but out of curiosity, how does this girl look like anyway?" Alice climbed out of Alphonse's armor, toppling him over on her way out.

"Oh right…" Jacob pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, opening it up to the small picture of Elysia wearing a tutu (which he stole from Hughes) "This is her, can you please help me find her?"

Yet as soon as Alice's golden eyes set upon the photograph Jacob showed her, she could not take her eyes off of it.

"…?"

"This isn't good."

"Huh?" Alice snatched the photo from Jacob, examining it more, trying to get every little detail right. "Yup."

"What's wrong?"

"In my vision with the Volturi, she was in it."

.

In less than an hour, the whole school was on a Sparklepire hunt. They were trying to get the whole town of Forks on it.

"Maybe I overdid it." Ed mumbled to himself, watching the rush of angry mobs chase after Edward and Carlisle. But he never knew it they would turn into angry mobs and chase them around.

"Go back to Transylvania!" shouted one of the mob's members while he threw toothpicks at Carlisle.

"Ow, stop it that really hurts!"

"We're not even from Transylvania!" Edward cried,

Right now, the little devil and the little angel on Ed's shoulders were arguing. Each one trying to persuade him to do the right thing, and the wrong.

_Dammit, I know they're annoying and irritating…but…_

"Go Tyler's Van, go!" Tyler's Van flew across the school, trying to run over Edward and his father, Tyler was inside. "That's a good van!" He cooed.

As this whole was passing by, having a ton of crap all happen in one day. From being knocked upside the head with a rock, teleported to another dimension, being sued, and now forming a angry sparklepire killing mob, Ed still wondered how the hell a Van could be alive.

* * *

Author's Note: Short again, and…I most likely have grammatical errors, along with spelling. Blah, why don't I just get a beta since my lazy ass won't edit this shit? Thanks for reading.


	20. Aro the Sad Panda

Author's Note: Hello chapter 20! This took a while…well busy with let's see…life…school…free time, video games, and blah! I was in a bit of a Writer's Block. It's gone now. Enjoy.

* * *

"Hand her back to me your ruthless barbarian!" Jacob yelled, sounding completely OOC cause why would he call someone a ruthless barbarian?

"Are you gonna hand her over or not? DON'T YOU BACK SASS ME!!" Jacob tackled the mannequin into the clothing store's floor, and wrestled with it.

"…I just don't get it." Al said to himself, as he and Alice watched Jacob beat up the dummy. "In the book, you and Jacob didn't seem bad, but now, it's like every Twilight character has the I.Q. of 20. I thought Jacob knew better than this. Sure, Edward is a creep, but isn't he supposed to have a degree to get into a good medical school or something?"

"Yeah, but he hardly ever needs it since we are seniors for the rest of our lives." Alice said, "I also wonder why we are so different, I remember when I actually liked Bella…now I'm glad she's gone." Alice took a deep breath, turning toward the suit of living armor. "Say, how do you know so much about Twilight anyway?" She asked,

"Um…" Al didn't answer, too busy watching Jacob make a fool of himself.

.

"Quick, to the Cullenmobile!"

"Shut up, Carlisle! That's my Volvo!"

"I bought it for you, you ungrateful brat, you're 108 years old, start acting your age!"

"NO YOU!!" The two sparklepires fought over the car keys, the sun was setting and their skin didn't shine as much. They were still trying to get away. "Gimme the keys, it's my car, old man!"

"Old man!? May I remind you that you are 108 and _still _haven't got laid yet?!"

"Shut up, I was waiting for the right woman!"

"Like anybody would actually believe that crap—

"AHEM!" The two very old men—even if they didn't look like it—turned around and found the angry mob with their pitchforks and torches. They looked really mean and ready to kick some sparkly ass.

"Open the car, Carlisle!"

"You have the keys, you idiot!"

Edward smashed the keys into the keyhole; turning it in haste and yanking open the car door. "Come on! Go, go!"

"Edward, I'm very chagrined by your behavior." Said Carlisle, as the two rode of in their shiny, as shiny as them in a summer, sunny day.

"Shut up, I'm trying to save us—AHHHH FUCK!!!" Edward took a sharp turn toward the sidewalk, hitting a fire hydrant. A waterfall of the hydrants water spewed out and showered on the Volvo. "…Ed?" Edward walked out of the car,

Ed was in the middle of the street, standing still and stiff as a board. "Watch. Where. You're. Going." He mumbled between his teeth, and he wasn't as still anymore for his legs were wobbling.

"I'm sorry I almost hit you…wait, why am I apologizing? It's your fault we're in this mess anyway!"

"My fault!?"

"The whole town is after us cause of you!"

Ed didn't have time to stand up and defend himself, for the mob was already on their way, and here was Edward, with no Volvo.

"Shit, where do we go!?" He screamed like a little girl.

"BURN THE WITCHES!!" Someone yelled in the mob.

"We're vampires!!" Edward roared, and he literally roared, like a lion. Oh I get it! He roared like a lion? _The Lion fell in love with Lamb_ Haha!—Ok I'll stop.

"Oh my god." Said the mob, "He roared like a lion."

Edward did it again, and for a moment, it looked like he was about to prance and jump one of the angry mob's members. But all he did was roar some more, and gnaw on his own hand. "EW…my blood taste like sardines…I hate sardines."

"Would you stop acting like some retard and do something already?" One of the mob's member asked, Edward pouted.

"Fine. We have an epic fight now." Fighting music can be heard from out of nowhere as Edward Cullen got into his fighting stance, so did everyone else. They fought like they did in the Matrix. Ed just stood off to the sideline, watching, and wondering what the fuck was he just watching.

.

Aro was a very sad panda. He pouted so much. How could Jane pick Kimbly? Over him? Jane always used to Aro's little apprentice, and now it seems Jane has a weird crush on Kimbly, seeing how they both share interest in torturing people. This sucked.

"Where is she?" Kimbly asked, and he patted little Jane's head, she fluttered her eye-lids like the angel she pretends to be.

"I'm keeping her hidden safe somewhere, don't worry." The two shared their mischievous and evil laughs together, in which Aro, of course, tried to join in. Again, Kimbly and Jane were not amused, and the sadder Aro got.

"I just don't get it." Aro wondered, exiting the super secret hideout the villains stole from other villains. He kicked a pebble down the random path he took, pouting like a little boy who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. He was just heart-broken. "Well, this is certainly bad…" He took a deep breath, and shook his head. "I'm not jealous of Kimbly, no way!" He was trying to hold back the tears, the poor man. Damn, if the rest of the Volturi were to see him in such a stage, they would surely make fun of him, and he was the leader damn it! But now, Jane, his loyal guard, all she wanted was to serve Kimbly. Oh well…at least he still had Renata…right…RIGHT!?

"…Oh Jane, please don't leave me!" Aro sobbed into his hands, and cried like a baby. "I mean, I rather be in a crappy adaption played by Michael Sheen!" Yeah, who wouldn't want that?

.

"Al…"

"Hm?"

"Please, tell me what's going on?"

"…?"

Al and Alice were outside the clothing store, they were kicked out, along with Jacob who still had the mannequin in headlock, screaming at it to give him Elysia back.

"I'm not entirely convinced that you haven't read Twilight before," said Alice,

"…"

"It's just that, damn, you seem to know so much. You even seem to know so much about Jacob, and the reader doesn't even get to know more about till New Moon."

"Um, what are you saying?" Alphonse murmured.

"…"

"Come on, tell me where she is, you bastard!" Jacob growled, punching the dummy's head off. "Crap, now it can't talk. Now I won't know where Elysia is…" He sobbed.

"Christ! Jacob, would you stop acting like an idiot for just one minute?!" Alice screamed at him.

"I'm sorry, it's just that…" Jacob sniffed, and cleaned some tears away from his face, turning to the two. "Alright, what's going on?"  
"Alphonse knows something we don't know."

"Hm, oh really now?..." Jacob had his serious face on. "Is that true, Alphonse, do you know something we don't know?"

"…"

Awkward silence fell between the three.

* * *

Author's Note: Phew! That's it for now. All this school work and lack of free time and procrastination has kept me from coming up with cool and new jokes for this, but I'm sure I will come up with more, don't worry. In honor the New Moon movie that came out like a few weeks ago, and Thanksgiving day, which passed, here you go!


	21. Edward x Pie

Author's Note: Did it really take that long for this chapter? Time flies…  
Thank you those who reviewed and thanks for reading. Enjoy. Can you spot the guest star only comes in for like...a few words or two sentences? Maybe.

* * *

"You can't fool us, Al!" Jacob growled, "You're pregnant! Tell me, who was it!? Who did this to you!? I'll go over to his house and force him to pay child support!"

"…What!?"

"Don't lie to me, Al, I know you're just an innocent boy who was caught up in the moment, but it will be alright."

"I'm…I'm not pregnant! That's impossible!" Al squealed, Alice face-palmed.

"No, Jake, I don't think that's what he's hiding from us." She murmured,

"Oh, ok then."

"But seriously now, Al, what's going on? What aren't you telling us?" Alice turned back to Al, and the spotlight was on him once more—"No, fair, I want a spotlight!" Jacob whined, but the author ignored him, you can't speak to the author, nope, I don't exist—"Well?" Alice asked,

"Well…" Alphonse looked nervously down on the ground, and twiddled with his metal thumbs.

"Well, the thing is, I may have…read Twilight, before this whole thing started." Al mumbled,

"What?" Alice blinked, "Like…all four books?"

"I haven't read the fourth book, but I hear it's too much to bear, with pedophilia and demon mutant babies that born in a grotesque way."

"Heheh, Nessie." Jacob sighed deeply, and got lost in his daydreams, "I'm torn between two girls—hey, wait a minute, she's not even born yet, hooray! I'm not cheating!"

"Yeah, I really don't recommend it." Alice chuckled, "It's ok to have read it though,"

"Yeah…but I'm starting to realize it's not such a good book after all." Al sighed; you can hear it echo in his armor.

"Nope, not really…but I'm a part of it," said Alice, "…wait, you liked it before?" She asked,

"Well, it seemed nice, a love story between a human woman and a vampire…" Al twiddled more with his thumbs, "but Ed did make very good points, and Bella did some pretty annoying, and Edward is creepy! That didn't really matter, I always liked Leah and the werewolves better anyway."

"D'awww he loves us, we rule." Jacob smiled a dork, "Take that, pussy vampires."

"…But anyway, they seemed pretty decent out of all the other characters."

"Yeah, well, yeah." Alice shrugged; she actually didn't know what to say. "Leah's cool."

"…"

"…"

Yeah, the author doesn't really know what to say next.

.

"I shall make love with this pie…"

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"Shut up, Ed, I've got a nasty sex drive, and the fact that Bella would never sleep with me…"

"Edward, put that pie down—GAH! Man, put it back in your pants!?"

"Edward, put that pie down." Esmé ordered,

"Shut up, I can do whatever I want!" Edward threw the cherry pie at Esmé's face. She was not pleased. "…I'm sorry."

"Go to your room and no shinier Volvo for you."

"WHAT!? You can't do this!"

"Edward, obey me."

"No!" But Edward cried like a big baby anyway, and ran to his room sobbing in his hands. "I hate you! I wish I was never adopted by you!" He slammed the door on his way in, and Esmé sighed, eating some of the pie of her face.

"Good to have you, other Edward." She said to Ed, licking cheery jelly off her fingers, and walking off. Then, a thought came into Ed's head. What were they doing with pies? They were vampires, they don't eat human food.

In the other room, Esmé threw up all the pie she ate.

.

"I'm not staying here." Ed mumbled,

"You have no where else to go." Rosalie said,

"Rather sleep in a ditch."  
"Me too, but I tried it once, does the back a really bad job, plus everyone though I was dead and it cause such a ruckus."

They arranged for Ed to sleep in Alice's room, her room full of fancy stuff with fancy clothes. "You guys are supposed to be rich! How could you not an extra guest room or something?"

"Alice uses it as storage for her shoes." Rosalie said,

"…Of course."

"Yeah, sleep tight, Ed."

"Wait…Rosalie!"

"Hm?" The blonde woman turned back to him, with her hands on her hips.

"How come all the blonde girls in this book turn out to be bitchy?"

"….What book?"

"…"

_She doesn't know?_ Ed thought, blinking his golden eyes, again, not vegetarian eyes because he's not a vampire. "You…you really don't find it strange that I came from a fictional manga and anime?" He asked his voice was flat.

"Well, we have werewolves that transform in broad daylight, and vampires that sparkle under the sunlight…this isn't the weirdest thing I ever saw." Rosalie said, "I mean our research says we sparkle under the sunlight, and yet, Bram Stoker's novel says we are supposed to get weak and everything, so does Sesame Street." Rosalie sighed, "Almost as if our world is messed up and all part of a moron's mind. That would make a pretty hilarious book." Edward chuckled, cause…well…you know.

"Sleep tight, Ed, school tomorrow…"

"Crap, again." Ed was too smart for this; no way did he need school. He was the Fullmetal-fucking-Alchemst; they should like, make his own comic book and later adapt it into a show—oh wait they already did that.

.

"In my vision, they came from here." Alice said, pointing to a big and abandoned warehouse.

"You sure?" Al asked,

"Positive."

"Let's do this, let's kick some evil sparklepire ass and rescue my princess!" Jacob did a triumph pose, and heroic music played in the background, with flashy rays of hope in the background also. Back in reality, Al and Alice proceed, and let Jacob continue his ridiculous posing. Frank West was taking a few pictures of it. "Fantastic! Now, give me erotica!" Yeah, you don't want to see that, so let's just go over to Al and Alice, shall we?

"We can't just barge in, they might hurt Elysia…" Al whispered to Alice who was peeking inside the door leading inside the warehouse.

"This is definitely the place, see there's that thing, and ooh! There's that other thing."

"What else did you see in your vision that might help us?"

"It was actually rather weird…" Alice mumbled, nibbling her thumb, and not turning to Al, seeing how she was still spying. "Well first, that weird guy with long hair, up in a ponytail was laughing, and so was Jane, a evil little demented girl, and Aro, who didn't seem very pleased with the two, kept pouting, and giving the two dirty looks…"

"Well, that doesn't really help. I mean, what about Elysia, where did you see her?"  
"Locked up somewhere, I think it was a closet or something…wardrobe? Had lots of coats in it, maybe she can escape to Narnia!"

"Um, no, let's just…let's just find a way to sneak in and get Elysia."

"D'awww, ok. I wish Narnia was real," and so do I, but right now, as Jacob continued posing for Frank West's camera, Al and Alice searched near the whole building for a way in. Finally, the two came across a small broken window, but it seemed only enough to squeeze in Alice.

"You'll have to go in without me," Al mumbled, "Think you can rescue Elysia just fine by yourself?"

"Don't worry, I can!" Alice nodded, grinning and feeling confident, sure thing she can do this, it would've all been great, if it hadn't been—

"Hey you!" The door leading inside flew open, and there stood Jacob, facing the laughing Jane and Kimbly, and the pouting Aro. "Let go of my little Elysia!" He roared,

"…You idiot." Al and Alice spotted everything from the window.

.

"Mmmm…yummy pie…yummy pie…pie pie pie…oh yummy pie—

"Oh gross! I thought I told you to keep it in your pants!"

"Shut up, Ed, I'm sexually frustrated!" Edward grabbed the pie from the kitchen counter, and jumped out the window, landing in a rosebush. "OW!! The thorns are in my eyes!"

Ed just sighed, and decided it was all hopeless, hopeless on getting Edward to stop fucking pastries. "It's too gross…" and he still wondered where on earth they got all those pies.


	22. Things Go Wrong

Author's Note: Yeah, sorry about the whole pie deal in there. …I was being stupid. xD But it was still pretty funny, especially reactions. Enjoy.

* * *

"Who are you?" Kimbly asked, looking rather amused by the tan-skinned boy, standing with his hands on his hips. He looked like a metrosexual in that posture.

"I'm Jacob Black. That's Jacob Black. J-A-C-O-B. Black, like the color. I live in Forks, Washington; hold on…I have my social security number and ID somewhere in here…" The boy fumbled in his pockets, and the three bad people glared at him, waiting, having no idea what was going on really.

"Come on, Jacob, quit stalling!" Alice hissed to herself, even if she was talking toward Jacob, her voice was still low and stuff, so she was talking to herself. Her name is not Jacob.

"No…" Al mumbled, "This is perfect, he's distracting both of them. We could sneak in and find Elysia and get out of here."

"Ooooh! You're right, what a great idea!"

"Oh wow, this boy is so distracted and interesting, let's watch him some more." Aro said, and Jane agreed, both of them watching Jacob fumble in his pockets, taking out things like his wallet, a packet of Orbit gum, a card to TGI Fridays, and a picture of him when he was a baby.

"D'awwwww look at my little tush, I was the cutest baby ever, the rest of the tribe were jealous of me."

Kimbly was speechless, his left eye twitched a bit, and he wondered why the hell he was here. But it didn't matter, Jacob was distracting the three perfectly, it was now Alice's time to sneak in and get Elysia out of there.

"I'll guard this building from the outside." Al said, "And keep a look-out, I'll warn you and Jake when someone is up, ok?"

"Right." Alice nodded, proceeding through, and sneaking around the distracted bad guys, as stealthy as a fox.

.

"I challenge you to a staring contest." Edward said, Ed was on the ground of a local park, expecting which rock would be best for him to knock against his noggin, he had enough of this place.

"Go away, retard."

"Come on~! I'm bored and no one else wants to play with me!"  
"Find something to do, just quit bothering me."

"Oh you short, fucking midget, how dare you—

"…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING SHORT, YOU FUCKING DISCOBALL!!"

"Who are you calling Discoball!? You are Gary Coleman, only not black!"

The two teens growled at each other.

"Why the hell do you want to _play_ anyway?" Ed asked, "You're a 108 year old who looks 17. Get a job or something."

"I don't need a job, silly boy…I got money. Carlisle pays for everything! Cause he loves me."

**.Quick Flashback.**

"_Get a job, Edward, I hate you. I don't like paying for your girly fashion crap you get at Calvin Klien. Stupid sissy."_

**.Flashback Over.**

"He loves me _a lot_."

"Yeah, yeah whatever." Ed ignored him, crawling around and groping for a good enough rock to get him out of here and back to Amestris. _Seriously, what's his deal? I mean, he has sex with a pie, and calls me Gary Coleman…who's that? Black? _

"…Oh my god, Ed."

"What?"

"Oh my god!"

"W-what!?" Ed shot up from the ground, and toward the pale skinned boy, whose golden eyes were wide with surprise. "Edward, what the hell is wrong? Someone here?" Ed transmuted a blade from his automail, if there was a foe, he would be ready to fight.

"…I just read your thought!"

"W-what?"

"I read your thoughts! About the pie and everything! Did you just let me read your mind…?" The grin on Edward's face grew. "This means you do have a brain…and you must love me enough to let me read your mind!"

"You're an idiot."

"NO YOU LOVE ME!" Edward cupped his hands over his ears and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Lalalalalala! I can't hear you!!~" and run away like a dumbass, running into a tree and knocking him out.

.

"Got her!" Alice cheered, holding up a white bag toward Alphonse.

"Alice!! Why did you put her in there, she won't be able to breathe!"

"What?" Behind Alice, Elysia's little head popped out, she greeted Alphonse with a giggle.

"Oh…"

"She's been behind me this whole time; this bag is full of all the silverware I stolen." This makes you wonder why she stole it since she's rich, but then again, she could never resist shiny stuff.

"Great, now we just have to get Jake and get out of here—

"Who the hell is that!?" Kimbly had shouted, loud enough for everyone outside to hear, thanks to the warehouse's echo.

Inside the warehouse, Edward Cullen laid flat on his face, there was a huge red bump on his head, and it was very noticeable since it was the only hint of color on his very pale forehead.

"Where am I…I remember I was running for some reason, I was in denial probably, and then I run into something and—

Edward trailed off, he spotted Kimbly, Jane, and Aro, and all three seemed very annoyed by his sudden appearance.

"Hey there, Edward."

"Sup' Jake."

"Not much…talking to these guys.

"Oh I see—wait a minute!" Edward frowned and turned to the three. "Aro and Jane!" He gasped, and the screamed like a little girl. "And some guy!" He pointed to Kimbly.

"Holy crap, some guy!" Jacob gasped along, and the two were exchanging each other looks of shock. But all this commotion only made Kimbly suspicious. "What's going on…? Who are these two buffoons?"

"Edward…" Aro mumbled coldly, "He's our enemy. This fellow…" He looked toward Jacob, "He's a werewolf, and as Underworld says, werewolves are our enemies."

"How did you find out he was a werewolf?"

"…Lucky guess?"

"Yeah, yeah whatever!" Edward growled, "I'm just here, and such, and yeah and—

"Edward!" Alice squealed with delight, she ran up toward him, giving a giant bear hug, in which she lifted Edward from the ground and you can hear his bones crushing. It's ok; he felt no pain…much.

"Owww…Alice, where did you come from? Why are you actually happy to see me?"

"Cause this only means you are back cause Ed is back! Hooray! Now…where is he?"

"Hm?"

"Ed."

"Where?"

"You should know you're the one who brought him back!"

"No I didn't, he was there…and then I ran into a tree and came back here."

"You mean you didn't bring him back…?"

"Nope."

"…"

"…"

"I don't love you anymore."

"BAAAH!"

Meanwhile, outside, Alphonse was getting more and more nervous. "Alice, why did you do that? It's bad enough Edward's blowing our cover." He had told Elysia to go hide behind some trees, and wait for him.

"Will you be back?"

"I will, don't worry about me." Al told her. He felt kind of bad, considering leaving the three inside, sure in the books they were pretty powerful and could take anything, but as you can see, in here they were very stupid. Al had to do something to help out; running away and leaving them to their deaths…seemed like something his older brother would do.

"I hope you get here soon, Ed…" Al mumbled to himself, and got ready for combat.

* * *

Author's Note: Happy late Valentine's Day…by one day. But here you go, show this to your Twitarded girlfriend as a good gesture and gift, from the heart! I'm sooo sure she'll love it! Hope you enjoyed thanks for reading.


	23. Marcus and Caius

Author's Note: Alright, serious this time, I shall make sure this comes to an end. Mainly cause I don't want this to drag on TOO long (I think I dragged it on too much already) and I truly have a good idea for a good ending. So yeah, probably a few more chapters but that's it. Cause I really need to get this finished. Haha. Also, almost two months late…dammit, I hope you all still stick by with me and still know I'm alive! Alright enjoy.

* * *

"WHERE IS HE!?" Ed felt his head wobble, as the force of his head connecting with the brick building's wall had done quite the damage. "I know you know where he is, now tell us where he is!"

"You sound like you're repeating yourself…"

"Fuck off, you jerk off all night to Celine Dion videos."  
"Shut up! You promised to keep that a secret!"

Ed couldn't see who was shoving his head toward the wall; unfortunately, they kept his head smashed against it.

"Where's Cullen?" They hissed,

"and that Bella girl."

"No! I hate her, she whines too much."

"But with her, it will be easier to get Cullen!"

"True, but I am not feeding or changing her newspapers, that will be your job."  
"Ugh, fine, you don't seem to want to—

"Excuse me!" Ed growled, growing very impatient and not really liking the fact that his face is being smushed against the wall currently. "Who the hell are you!?" The two mysterious figures didn't say anything. The whole place was dark. Ed knew it was a bad idea to go shopping for beauty products in the night but Rosalie would just not shut up.

"Stuff him in a body bag, we'll make him talk, and make sure he tells us where Edward has taken Aro and Jane too."

.

Back at Amestris…

"Jacob has her, I just know it!" Hughes growled he and Mustang were discussing business with the police; Hughes has forced Mustang to go with him to the police station to file a report. "Find him, quick, and lock him up behind bars!" Behind this father, he was burning with rage; he loved his little daughter more than anything and would do anything to get her back.

"Calm down, sir," said one cop, "I'll make sure we find this guy quick…now…how did you say he looked like again?"

"Has short black hair, olive skin…possibly from another part of the country." Actually, part of a different universe, but he was partially right.

"Ishvalan?" asked the cop.

"Actually no, his eyes weren't red….they were brown. Kinda like…that." Hughes then pointed to a portrait of an Indian the cop happened to have laying around his desk for some reason. "Only, he didn't have the whole getup and he cut his hair a week ago…"

"Alright, I'll see what we can do. What was his name again?"

"Jake…Jacob Black."

"Weird name for an Ishvalan."

"He isn't Ishvalan!"

"Oh…ok, why didn't you say so? We'll get this Ishvalan if it's the last thing we do. Come on, men!" and thus, the police men ran out of the station to god knows where.

"Maybe we should just go looking for Jake ourselves." Mustang mumbled,

"Good idea," agreed Hughes, and thus, the Colonel and the Lieutenant Colonel were on their way too.

.

"What?" Marcus blinked a couple of times, wondering about Ed's story which he just told to the rest of the Volturi right now.

"Can't we just torture him till he tells us the truth?"

"Shut up, Caius, you're useless, go make some blood red kool-aid, using real blood."

"Marcus, these drinks are ridiculous! We are supposed to be bad and drink blood straight from victims."

"Shut up! I'm just trying to make things a little bit more fun is all…"

"Excuse me, if you really give a crap about where your vampire friends are, you'd shut the hell up and let me talk!" screamed Ed, and the rest of the vampires turned their attention toward him.

"Fine, but we're killing you afterword and mixing your blood in kool-aid for coven." Marcus said,

"Coven? You're witches too?"

"No…just vampires."

"Really? I thought covens were supposed to be a group of witches."

"Well, we aren't witches or anything, we're just vampires."  
"Don't really seem like it."

"Ga—Bah! Would you just shut up!?" Marcus whined, and then turned to his heel to walk away.

"Wait!" called Caius,

"What?"

"Come back, he's going to tell us about this mysterious dimension where Aro and Jane are at!"

"Oh yeah." So Marcus turns back and faces the short, blonde boy. "Tell us everything you know."

.

"He hasn't even called…" Winry mumbled, feeling quite disappointed that her dearest childhood friend, Ed, hasn't called her or visited, she really did want to check up on his automail to see if it was in top shape or not. But she couldn't help but feel weird out-ed by the whole thing that was going on with Edward Cullen coming to life from Twilight. Could all book characters do that?

"Maybe…" Winry mumbled, then squealed feeling quite excited, she pulled out her copy the first Harry Potter book. "I've always wanted to go to Hogwarts!" but that point, she heard yelling and screaming coming from outside her home. "What the…" She made her way outside, where she spotted the green scenery and the bright sunlight.

"Who's making that entire racket?" Winry said, though she didn't really speak up, so she could have just been talking to herself still. Then, she spotted them, two incredibly pale guys, and her childhood friend, Ed.

"Edward! Er…who are they?"

The two guys turned to each other then Ed, "Your name is Edward too?" The one with black hair asked,

"Well Edward isn't exactly an uncommon name, you twit." The blonde one growled,  
"You're the twit!"

"No, you are!"

The two began to argue, but was soon interrupted by a flying wrench to each to their foreheads. Don't worry, they were vampires, it didn't hurt then.

"Owwwwww~" Marcus cried,  
"That really hurt." Caius pouted, rubbing the sore bump on his forehead; it had more color than the rest of his face. "Just who are you anyway!?" He hissed at the blonde mechanic.

"I don't see how it's any of your business…" Winry placed her hands on her hips, turning to Ed, "Who are these guys."

"No, we asked you first!" Caius yelled,

"Shut up, you pale freak!"

"Oh yeah, well your head is shaped oddly, ha, take that."

Winry continued to ignore the two, turning to Ed. "Ed, what the hell is going on…?"

"…More vampires."

"Are these guys from Twilight too?"

"Yeah, the bad guys, they're forcing me to find Edward Cullen and their leader…I have no idea who he is though, I never read any more of the series."

From a far, Marcus and Caius just stared at the two who were whispering toward each other, and only each other.

"I wonder what they are talking about." Marcus mumbled,  
"Who cares." Caius said, "We need to find Aro and Jane, and then kill these two Edwards."

"Can we still have—?

"Dammit, Marcus, no sissy kool-aid!"

"D'awwww…"

Back to Winry and Ed, they continued to whisper to each other as if they were passing along juicy secrets, really, they just didn't want those two pale dudes interfere with their conversation.

"So they're part of a coven?" Winry asked,

"Apparently," Ed answered

"I thought those only existed for witches."  
"Well, I guess vampires can have covens too if they wanted…"

"Well, whatever, you had me worried sick."

"Sorry…"

"Wait!" Marcus told Caius, turning his attention toward Ed and Winry. Slowly, some dorky smile formed on his face. "D'awww, how cute."

"Huh?" Caius frowned, turning toward the two himself, he noticed that Ed was looking down on the ground, rubbing the back of his forehead, Winry looked annoyed at first, but then smiled and giggled. "Oh, I forgot…" Caius grumbled, rolling his eyes. "You can recognize relationships and what not."

"Shh! Let them have their moment!" said Marcus,

"Why do you care? Don't you realize you have that power to share useful information with the Volturi, and not to gawk and random strangers?"

"…"

"…"

"I happen to be an EdWin fan, ok?"

"Uh, what?"

* * *

Author's Note: Alright! Finally finished with chapter 23! There's…still more to go, but it shall soon end, probably toward the 30th chapter or not. More is to come and finally, both Eds are in Amestris. Hope you enjoyed that.


End file.
